IRELAND, a Link to Possibility

I am looking at the girl I was "before" I left for Ireland, the girl who made the trip and the one who returned.  And I want/need/desire there to be a difference.  Please note, I am using the term "girl" very loosely here, but it is early morning and that is how I am feeling. You might understand this better, as time goes on.  {*.*}

In Ireland, the Land seemed to continually whisper to me, "Let it go."  I heard it as I leaned my head into the trunk of an ancient tree or laid my heart upon the earth. I heard it from the moss and the tiny green "villages" I marveled at on the rock walls.  My body pressed the point by becoming constipated and all I wanted to do was "let 'er rip, and let it go".  But even with herbs and massage I was having trouble ... physically letting it go. In ceremony, a shaman stepped in front of me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Move beyond your fear. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be."  She smiled at me and in that moment I felt like everything was possible.  Re-member. That is who I want to be now, the woman/child to whom all things are possible.  So be it.

One of the things I let go of on the Isle of Inisfallen, is my proclivity to perfection.  Kind of trips off the tongue, doesn't it?  Proclivity to Perfection.  Ta Da!!!   Well it is not only a pain in the arse, it can be an excuse for not getting things done.  I am thinking of a lovely little blog I wanted to write earlier this year and I saw it accompanied by the perfect picture of my horse. I could easily visualize the whole piece. But the weather outside did not match the message of my blog, so I waited and waited for the perfect conditions.  Then, one morning the weather cooperated and I went out and took a dozen pictures of my adorable horse, frosted from head to tail with shimmery ice crystals. My photos were not as artistic as I had envisioned but they would do. Coming back to my computer I searched for the essay and realized I had never committed the words to paper - waiting for the perfect moment I had never actually written the blog piece - so now I had “okay” pictures and no essay.  I had nothing but a good intention and a lot of dissatisfaction with myself.

If only it ended there ~ but unfortunately this sad story continues. A few weeks later, I did actually "find the time" to write the piece, but it was a sunny warm day and something inside me said that I could not really post a blog about frosty horses on such a beautiful sunny Spring day.  Preposterous!!  Everyone would know it was sunny in Colorado and that this blog piece was not spontaneous.

So now I am beginning to see the flaws in Miss Perfection.  She really only cares about what everyone else will think of her. Anything less than perfection is unacceptable to her ~~ because of what others may think.  But when I let Miss Perfection "drive my bus" … I become constipated … my physical/emotional and spiritual bowels twist up, all forward motion grinds to a halt, and nothing productive is accomplished. 

My need for perfection at all costs, especially as it relates to being judged by others, is a limiting belief that no longer serves me. This part of my personality may have served me at one time but is now coming from a place of fear. That is what I let go of in Ireland. In my search for inner peace, I released fear based limiting beliefs.

As a gestalt coach, I know that I cannot toss Miss Perfection under the bus. Even when I want to, and I do, that is not the answer.  She deserves acknowledgement and acceptance. But I will ask her to sit in the back seat and enjoy the ride, offering up her valid ideas only to help put the polish on a piece; to bring up the luster by loving it into a more complete piece of work we can both live with.

And so now my dear little blog, get ready. I might post about rain during a drought, or feeling good when I don't, or any number of random ideas. And if I think of a fantabulous addition after the fact, I give myself permission to post that as well .... in a non-sequitur manner that would not have been possible BI = Before my magical trip to Ireland.

AI = After Ireland.                                                                                                                                       I claim my Freedom !!
Loving Living Wild in Colorado,
In-Joy !!

A Winding Path to a Small Ass - Part 1 of ?

Donkey Dreaming

The desire for getting donkeys was planted many years ago when I met my friend’s little mini, Nacho! Randy had one mare and acquired Nacho to be her companion. Horses are herd animals and most prefer not to be alone, but Randy had a small acreage and this miniture donkey fit the lot size. The way Randy tells the story, Nacho quickly established himself as King of the barnyard. It mattered not at all to him that he was ¼ the size of his new pasture mate, he knew he was big enough for the job and brayed his way to the top.

He was adorable in his physical diminutiveness. Standing solidly on all four legs he surveyed the world from the level of my hip. Wiry of coat, with large bright brown eyes, he surveyed his kingdom with a calm countenance.

Fast forward ten years and I find myself on my own little farm with my horse companion, Lakota. I have always had housemates who had horses and shared my desire to live with their ponies in the back yard. So Lakota’s herd has shifted with the comings and goings of my housemates. Maybe not the most desirable situation but it really has worked well for us financially and socially.

Although I do visualize another horse in my future ~ a sturdy, large-boned fox trotter who will not only to be a great trial riding horse but, also a steady companion for Lakota. In my vision he is a big gelding, a clairsentient being who will bring a male energy to the dynamics of my healing herd. But, like my new business, my herd will grow organically as I visualize growth at a sustainable rate.

But in the back of my mind I kept remembering sweet little Nacho and how well he did his job.

... to be continued.

An important note to my readers: 

I have been trying for two weeks to find a clever title for this little saga on getting to know donkeys. From the folks that I have met so far whom already have donkeys and mules, I quickly realized they love making "ass” jokes! It is like they have a proprietary right to drop the word “ass” in normal conversation …. they enjoy the reactions of muggles (those who are not graced to have horses and mules in their lives). 

And I am now a member of their club.

However, if you are offended or if you have a clever title, please feel free to drop me a comment and I will take into consideration all alternatives !! 

Thank you for reading, have a fantabulous day!  * annette.

A WANDERING MIND

“Don’t let your mind wander ~ it’s 2 little 2 B left alone.”

 

(Posted on the billboard in front of the Abundant Life Church)

The first time I saw this I cracked up.  The second time I drove by I started laughing before I got to the end ‘cause I knew the punch line.  I was sad when they rotated the bill board as this slogan had made me giggle every time. 

I have been thinking about it lately and it reminds me of an experiment I have been working on.  You see, I have spent an inordinate amount of time in my life daydreaming.  I am the quintessential Queen of Daydreaming.  Especially in my car. I don’t know how many times I have arrived at my destination and I couldn’t tell you a darn thing about the actual trip.  Or those times when I am driving and there are cars all around me ... then I “wake up” and look around ... and the cars are all gone.  Where did they go?  When did they leave?  Do they know something I don’t know?  It is a bizarre feeling.

My issue is I do not always daydream pleasant thoughts.  In fact, my imagination can carry me away, ruin the moment and even bring on anxiety attacks.  I see this as a pretty destructive habit.  I have spent way too much time thinking of the worst case scenario.  Let me give you a few examples. (1) While I am hooking up my horse trailer, I imagine something going wrong with the equipment and losing the trailer down the highway.  (2) I have a meeting set up with a new client and on the drive to their office I imagine that they are going to see me as an imbecile.  (3) I have also spent a lot of time making up excuses in my mind ~ just in case I may miss a deadline.  I have lengthy imaginary conversations with my clients practicing how to tell them.  It goes on and on, ad nauseam.  

I slowly began to realize that these worst case scenarios never evolved they way I imagine them, and my made up conversations are never spoken out loud.   I made a conscious decision that I would not spend another minute making up excuses for my life. 

I am doing the best that I can.  And for the most part, it has worked.  Now, if I catch myself thinking up an excuse for anything I ask myself out loud, “Who are you talking to?”

Since I am the only one in the car or my office, this is a very short conversation. 

As I cannot see a single positive reason to keep up the negative day dreaming, I decided to see what I could do about this (?) addiction.  It is taking precious time away from enjoying life; it is something I believe I can modify.  If I can’t totally quiet my mind then at least I want to spend more time thinking pleasant thoughts.  So I came up with a strict routine.  When I find myself thinking a destructive thought or my heart starts to race with a worse case scenario ~ I immediately stop.  I visually wrap up the thought in a piece of white tissue paper, blow it gently towards the light and offer it up to be transformed into …… a totally positive image.  It may sound crazy, but it is the routine that helps me move out of the moment.

Driving down Boulder Canyon one day, I must have gone through this routine at least a dozen times.  I was flabbergasted but I doggedly practiced my visualization with every single negative scenario. 

Recently I realized that I am not doing this nearly as often.  It’s working.  I may have to play with this the rest of my life, but it only takes a second to run through my routine. I am willing to do this. I am worth it.

So,  “Don’t let your mind wander ~ it’s 2 little 2 B left alone.”    

But if it does, guide it towards a field of wild flowers beside a gently flowing stream and advise it to stay there and enjoy the moment. J

* annette

Postscript.  For what it is worth, I have read several books which helped a lot. Ekhardt Tolle, in his book, The New Earth, does a swell job of guiding those who do indeed want their brain back.  Another one of my favorite books on the subject is, Loving What Is by Byron Katie.