FIGHTING THE DEMONS

A friend of mine said to me recently, “You have been cycling through this pattern allot recently. You might want to consider a little round of anti-depressants to get on the other side of this.”

I was stunned. And then another tremor of shock went through me as I took a moment to consider how desirable that felt.  Oh, to take a pill and make my life easier. I barely listened as she told me her doctor’s philosophy that our brain synapsis can get off kilter and begin turning left when they should turn right, making connections that are not healthy for our organism ~ and by taking a round of anti-depressants, a person could break the pattern and get back to being their old self. 

My mind, adopting the adage “Inquiring Minds Want to KNOW,” wondered what would cause the brain to get off course in the first place.  My “Wise Woman” training believes that if we cover up  and placate the symptoms, instead of looking at and relating to the malady ~ we stand the chance of driving the dis-ease deeper into our bodies, only to surface again, later, and typically stronger than the first round.  By taking the time to look at it first, we can save time and can promote wholistic healing. 

Her observation had been a response to my statement that I had spent the afternoon “fighting my demons.” For the most part, my demons are the limiting beliefs that take me away from, or rob me of my joy.  They are not new.  (1) I never have enough time. (2) The balance I seek eludes me. (3) I concentrate more on what feeds my pocketbook than what feeds my soul. 

And the one thing I know for sure; ignoring them does not make them go away.  There are times when I address them, have a real conversation, and they diminish slightly allowing me to move forward in my day. But they have yet to disappear. However tempting, slicing them to ribbons with a mighty sword is not the solution.  So I remain optimistic that there is an answer that will satisfy both the "demon" and my “self.”

Besides, do I really want to be my old self?  A mood-elevating pill might be reasonable … but for now I am going to stay in the observation mode. Becoming the “detached witness” that so many of my teachers have talked about. Realizing that putting oneself under the microscope can sometimes be disturbing. Moving beyond old and into a new way of being is my ultimate goal. 

I choose to have an awareness ~ an allowing ~ of my “demon self.” After all, we we share the same space. 
And I am the one, with consistent help from my angels, in charge of how large the microscope is.
In gratitude I realize that every day I have more moments of pure joy than the day before.  And if I don’t?  I will just start again tomorrow.
Anyway, I have to put down my sword to pick up a cup of Tension Tamer tea. 

IRELAND, a Link to Possibility

I am looking at the girl I was "before" I left for Ireland, the girl who made the trip and the one who returned.  And I want/need/desire there to be a difference.  Please note, I am using the term "girl" very loosely here, but it is early morning and that is how I am feeling. You might understand this better, as time goes on.  {*.*}

In Ireland, the Land seemed to continually whisper to me, "Let it go."  I heard it as I leaned my head into the trunk of an ancient tree or laid my heart upon the earth. I heard it from the moss and the tiny green "villages" I marveled at on the rock walls.  My body pressed the point by becoming constipated and all I wanted to do was "let 'er rip, and let it go".  But even with herbs and massage I was having trouble ... physically letting it go. In ceremony, a shaman stepped in front of me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Move beyond your fear. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be."  She smiled at me and in that moment I felt like everything was possible.  Re-member. That is who I want to be now, the woman/child to whom all things are possible.  So be it.

One of the things I let go of on the Isle of Inisfallen, is my proclivity to perfection.  Kind of trips off the tongue, doesn't it?  Proclivity to Perfection.  Ta Da!!!   Well it is not only a pain in the arse, it can be an excuse for not getting things done.  I am thinking of a lovely little blog I wanted to write earlier this year and I saw it accompanied by the perfect picture of my horse. I could easily visualize the whole piece. But the weather outside did not match the message of my blog, so I waited and waited for the perfect conditions.  Then, one morning the weather cooperated and I went out and took a dozen pictures of my adorable horse, frosted from head to tail with shimmery ice crystals. My photos were not as artistic as I had envisioned but they would do. Coming back to my computer I searched for the essay and realized I had never committed the words to paper - waiting for the perfect moment I had never actually written the blog piece - so now I had “okay” pictures and no essay.  I had nothing but a good intention and a lot of dissatisfaction with myself.

If only it ended there ~ but unfortunately this sad story continues. A few weeks later, I did actually "find the time" to write the piece, but it was a sunny warm day and something inside me said that I could not really post a blog about frosty horses on such a beautiful sunny Spring day.  Preposterous!!  Everyone would know it was sunny in Colorado and that this blog piece was not spontaneous.

So now I am beginning to see the flaws in Miss Perfection.  She really only cares about what everyone else will think of her. Anything less than perfection is unacceptable to her ~~ because of what others may think.  But when I let Miss Perfection "drive my bus" … I become constipated … my physical/emotional and spiritual bowels twist up, all forward motion grinds to a halt, and nothing productive is accomplished. 

My need for perfection at all costs, especially as it relates to being judged by others, is a limiting belief that no longer serves me. This part of my personality may have served me at one time but is now coming from a place of fear. That is what I let go of in Ireland. In my search for inner peace, I released fear based limiting beliefs.

As a gestalt coach, I know that I cannot toss Miss Perfection under the bus. Even when I want to, and I do, that is not the answer.  She deserves acknowledgement and acceptance. But I will ask her to sit in the back seat and enjoy the ride, offering up her valid ideas only to help put the polish on a piece; to bring up the luster by loving it into a more complete piece of work we can both live with.

And so now my dear little blog, get ready. I might post about rain during a drought, or feeling good when I don't, or any number of random ideas. And if I think of a fantabulous addition after the fact, I give myself permission to post that as well .... in a non-sequitur manner that would not have been possible BI = Before my magical trip to Ireland.

AI = After Ireland.                                                                                                                                       I claim my Freedom !!
Loving Living Wild in Colorado,
In-Joy !!

BENDING NEEDLES.

I didn’t notice my mouth was dry until I tried to swallow.  “I need to drink a glass of water as soon I get this done,” I thought to myself as I opened the large blue tote and rummaged through it quickly.  I found a huge 20 mm syringe and I was looking for the green color-coded needle.  I looked over several glass bottles with rubber topped closures and found the one named Flunazine.  I set my phone to the speaker setting so that Nikki could walk me though the set-up. We had gone through the whole routine last fall, but in the months that followed the knowledge had left my noggin.

I set everything gently on the table in front of me and examined each component as she told me again how they were going to fit together.  We had decided that I was going to give the medicine orally because if given IM (intramuscularly) it could, on a rare occasion, cause a deep infection.  Nikki wasn’t going to be home for three or four more days and I was not at all prepared to handle that scenario. 

“Do you feel at all comfortable trying to hit a vein? “ she asked me.

“Absolutely not” I chortled, “I would rather try and give her an enema. “  Might as well bring a bit of humor to the situation.

 “If you want to call Dr. Tim I am fine with that” she said again.

“No, No, I think that I can do this. I am right here, she needs it quickly. I want to give it a try.” I hoped I sounded more confident than I felt.

My patient was Ruthie, an 1800 pound white mule. She is to Nikki what Lakota is to me. I had to get this right.  “Listen, I am going to go now and put this all together. I’ll call you back when I ‘m done.”  All of the shots I had ever given before were pre-made, all you had to do was point and shoot so to speak.

I fit the needle onto the syringe and then inserted it into the rubber gasket on top of the bottle. Holding the bottle upside down with one hand I tried to pull out the plunger.  Geez, why does this have to be so difficult? I felt really clumsy and it was taking a lot more strength than I thought was necessary. But I kept at it gently so I wouldn’t make a mess of anything.  Humm, is the top of the plunger  10mm, or is it marked by the bottom of the grey piece. I decided more was better than less, we are talking about a big girl out there and she might spit some out. 

Okay, that was almost fun; now I have to take the needle out so that I can shoot this into her mouth. The needle looked scary - it was huge, built for a rhinoceros or something.  Does it pull out or twist out? I tried it with my fingers and nothing moved. I took it upstairs and pulled out two pair of pliers. I had a sterile needle here which I really wasn’t going to use but still I wrapped it in a paper towel before I grabbed it with the pliers. Nothing moved. Well, actually it did, the needle was now bent at approximately a 65 degree angle, which I promptly capped and discarded.

Humm, I surveyed the whole set-up again and decided that even if the needle had came out of the hard plastic it was embedded in, the aperture would be too small to squirt the liquid in as fast as I was planning to.

As I walked out to the pasture I prayed to Ruthie’s angels as well as mine. “Please be with us and let this go smoothly.”  I took a deep breath as Ruthie came into view.  She was still laying down which is what caught my eye in the first place. I didn’t want to spook her so I did not walk straight at her, but aimed for a few feet behind her tail. It would be much easier for me if I could give her the medicine while she lying down – did I mention that she was a big girl? Oh yeah.

She raised her head and looked at me, and thought for a second about standing up, but then she didn’t.   I reached out and rubbed her neck and told her I was going to give her some medicine as gently as I could. I kneeled beside her giant neck and moved slowly and deliberately, careful not to tip the syringe because I didn’t want her to get a taste of what was coming before I was ready. Her lips were clinched but I worked the tube in as far as I thought necessary and then I hit that plunger hard, probably faster than I needed to - but got the job done.  I stroked her neck and thanked her for being still.  She pulled back her front lip and curled her head in the air. 

“Hey,” I told her, “I had to take red root tincture myself yesterday, three times, and that stuff tastes wicked too. You can handle this.” 

I stood up and moved away from her. I suddenly realized I had forgotten to put on the halter that I carried out. Oh well, we hadn’t needed it after all. I reached for my phone to call Nikki and let her know that it had gone well. Whew. We discussed what I should do for the next twenty minutes and I could hear her relief.  We had both been worried that Ruthie would put up a fuss and it could have gone badly, but it didn’t. I suddenly realized that I still needed water. I walked back to the house feeling a lot better than when I walked out to the pasture.  Everything is going to be fine, I just know it!

GOING CRAZY &/or PEACE OF MIND

I am both exquisitely happy and excruciatingly sad. Mad even. The difference between the two is driving me crazy. On one level I want everyone to find the joy and happiness that I desire for myself. I have a vision that includes a loving partner, a peaceful home, monetary stability, a deep love and connection with the universe and, last and maybe mostly, love of self.

My dear friend is in the throes of new lust. I want her to be happy and find the right fellow and settle down to a rich and meaningful life, filled with more joy than sorrow.  With all my heart I desire this for her.

At the same time my sanctuary has been violated. My friend and I share the same little farm house and now nothing feels as sweet to me as it did.  He has been here a month; if he paid rent would I be more accepting? When I said he could visit, I didn’t mean that he could move in. It feels like they are two against my one-ness. Her new love makes my life seem emptier than before, I feel dull and flat.  I don’t do well with dull and flat.  It isn’t where I normally reside and it is NO FUN !!!

In the beginning I made him out to be the villain. It was his fault that my life was turned into such chaos. It was so much easier to make him the “bad guy”.  My resentment was off the charts …. it lept tall buildings of the mind’s imagination and colored my life with drab colors of piss-offed-ness. My little world had been invaded and the enemy had no awareness of the depth of my despair. So I showed them. Passive aggressive behavior came back into my life, as easily as it had disappeared with the divorce decree of many years ago. However, the infinitesimal sparks of joy that came with a well thrust imaginary dagger were overwhelmed by excruciating sadness.

And I know. 

They are not the enemy. The battle is once again, always, within me. The situation is yet another way of showing me that I have more work to do. I have much at stake here. I could be on the brink of ruining a dear friendship and it is this thought that propels me to dive deep into the lesson. My house is my sanctuary. My friend is my friend. Sweet as it has been, I always knew that our sharing of this space was temporary. Communication could definitely be better between us but that probably won’t happen until I get to a more accepting place. Her new love is a gift that I wish for myself but not to the extent of their happiness. I desire to be the kind of friend that I want my friends to be to me. A prescription for valium would be appreciated right now, just to take the “sting” out of the situation. I need a stronger mantra …. mine is not sufficiently cutting through the crap of this moment. Once again I turn to my angels and ask for guidance, wisdom, peace of mind ……. Ahhhh, peace of mind. If this cannot be found within, it will never be available in the outer world.

I know.

The Day After MAD-ness.

Since I wrote you of the MAD-ness of Friday, I feel compelled to write of yesterday, Saturday, the last day of 2011. I followed my heart all day:  writing, dusting my house, playing with plants – cleaning and pruning, made phone calls to friends and family, played my flute and drummed new life back into my re-born drum, and thusly back into me. I chose NOT to do any real estate work.  Walking from room to room, I paid homage to the totems purposefully arranged in the middle of the floor, an altar of sorts.

I almost went in and removed yesterday mornings blog. I logged in and sat poised to erase it, and in the end I did edit out a few sentences that I could no longer resonate with.  Shit happens. Sometimes I get pitched into the muck. It is not pretty. It is not comfortable. It is what happens next that is important.

I decided not to go out, but instead to stay in and enjoy the newly shiny surfaces of my home. After the sun went down I made a scrumptious tray of good, fun, and pretty foods and snuggled under my fuzzy blanket to watch movies rented from the library. I poured a glass of handmade Cherry Cordial, a Christmas gift that tasted as delicious as it sounds!  I heard the fireworks and looked up, surprised to note that I had witnessed the first moments of a new year.  I had to move my cat, Magic, who was stretched full out on my tummy, to check on the horses who are not all fond of fireworks and then I settled down for a quiet ritual. Friday I let loose volley after volley of four letter words ~ but now I reflected for a moment on two   “three- letter” words:  JOY versus MAD.   

Friday I allowed myself to plunge into despair and anger in a big way. I will not forget what that felt like. I will hold it to contrast all the good days against.  I know on many levels that the choice is always mine, whether to live in MAD (fear) or in JOY (Love).  I KNOW that. But some days are easy and some days just test the very mettle of all I am striving to be.  Thusly i can practice the JOY of Forgiveness.  The act of forgiving my SELF. That is what I will remember.  JOY shall win out.

COMFORTABLE WITH “UNCOMFORTABLE”

Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

This is a major life lesson for me that I have been peeling away, like layers of the proverbial onion, for many years.  Like an onion, the pure essence of it often brings me to tears and yet I know that if I persevere, render it to smaller pieces, then apply heat with a dollop of soothing oil, a transformation will occur ~ a softening ~ as the pungency caramelizes before my very eyes and is now a sweet concoction that will enhance any recipe that it is added to.

I have rushed the process and ended up with a smoky, bitter mess. And all you can do now is clean up the mess and begin again. One time, when the experiment had gone too far awry, I threw away the ruined pan and left the kitchen.  It may have seemed like the only answer at the time, but in the end it left me hungry.

I am ready to try again; gonna need more onions.

Moving Too Fast ~ Making Mistakes

WOW! The past couple of weeks have been so busy. My real estate appraisal business always seems to be feast or famine.  And we have had way too much famine in the past three years of this business ~ so I have been saying “Yes” and accepting every assignment that comes my way.  I am driving all over the front range area from Fort Collins to Parker, which is not ideal, but if that is where the work is, then that is where I must go. 

Yes, I am my own boss, but it hasn’t always been pretty this past week. Up until a certain point, being pretty busy makes me sharp as a tack and I get amazing amounts of work done in a single day. However, I have reached that warp speed where the faster I move the more mistakes I make. The boss woman part of me has screamed her bloody head off at the worker bee part of me. Yikes!

Wednesday, the worker bee part of me left our home office with not enough time  to inspect a new assignment in Boulder that the Boss had scheduled ~and certainly not enough time to stop at Staples to buy printer ink cartridges vital to work the next day ~ and then make it back to Longmont for a business dinner before a professional engagement. What a stupid careless mistake. Now it was raining and everyone else was driving really slow; there was no way I could make it to Boulder.  The boss woman part of me sat at the red light at the intersection on the south side of Longmont and screamed till her throat hurt.  As she drove ahead, she made an executive decision and  sent the worker bee part of self back to Staples and got several important things done!

Thursday, the poor pitiful worker bee part of me picked up the mail at our Boulder post office box, rented only in the hopes of getting more appraisal assignments in the Boulder/Denver area where properties actually sell. The only envelope in the box was her Discovery card bill.  Smoke came out her ears, she was instantly furious.  Who authorized that her Discovery bill would be sent to her Boulder address?  No one asked here, G** damn it!!!!  when she got back into the car, she grabbed a pen and wrote a huge note across the envelope and wrote in large letters, “what the f***” followed by an enormous question mark.  This “note to self” was apparently so that she would not forget to address this grave breech of power once she returned to her office.

Friday, the worker bee picks up the envelope, slices off the end to remove the statement which should have the phone number of someone she can speak her mind to and get the address corrected to its former status.  It was only then that she realized that the intended recipient of this particular envelope was the lady who has the PO Box below hers. It had been deposited in the wrong bin. That was all. Hardly a federal expense. However, now it has a huge blue expletive written across the bottom of the envelope. Oh well, just more minutes spent by the worker bee to camouflage with the help of blank white sticky labels. GEEZ!

The Wise Woman part of me is watching, grinning, waiting for me to remember ...  I am an awakened sacred heart .... and this "reality" is all an illusion .....   Goddess Bless Her !

Reciprocity – Just an Idea.

Last Friday night I stood with my class, the Mid Pack, at our graduation ceremony!! Whew!! Almost two years of studying, practicing, and working through our own “stuff” … and we are now certified in the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !!  The range, depth and potential of this work is awesome.

But I would like to take a moment and acknowledge those who came before me.  Among many other things, the Mid Pack had the outstanding privilege of learning from the Genesis group how to accept new members into this marvelous herd. We learned from their generous example.  It may not have been easy for them to let us in, to transition into a larger herd, but I never once felt that.  Not once. They were outstandingly gracious and accepting of us.

I have been thinking about the rumblings I have heard from new students as we each face our fears and our doubts about this program.  How large is this program going to get? Will there be enough work for me?  I confess that I have had my own doubts, my own dark fears.

I am reminded of a lesson I leaned fifteen years ago in South America. I was studying with a Peruvian shaman and one day he told us a story of his idea of reciprocity. To him and his fellow shamans, if anyone came forward and said they wanted to learn the ancient sacred ways, that teacher had to take them on as a student.  Because it was their understanding that not until each and every human stepped into their highest potential, could any of us ascend to the higher realms.  No one could move forward until every got it!  This idea was new to me and the hugeness of that statement stayed with me ever since. Every time you reach out and help someone up, you are supporting a larger cause.  Plain and simple, we are all in this together.

Then there is the sentiment that my dear friend Patricia offered up one day. She said, “If everyone on the earth was a healer, we would still have tons of work to do!” I don’t even know what she meant, but I know on a cellular level that the words are true.

And so I keep reminding myself of these two little stories. I totally believe that for each one of us to reach our highest potential we need to champion the successes of one another.  By supporting each other with grace and authenticity, we will each find our place.  There are thousands of horses waiting for us to step up to the plate and there are millions of folks who need us when they are ready.

If I had any words of wisdom for those coming into the program it would be this. If you need to compete, as is in my nature, compete with yourself.  Set your goals, keep an open mind, ask questions until you “get it”  and know that you are in a loving herd whose survival depends on your strength of character. We are in this together and it is so outrageously rewarding!!  There is room for all of us. I welcome you to a marvelous adventure.  It will be what you make it to be.

And I know for me this is just the beginning.  I look forward to many more years of studying, practicing, and working through my own “stuff” as I move forward as a practitioner of the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !! 

Namaste.

The Beginning

I remember standing in front of my kitchen window staring out on the cold January morning. I could see my reflection in the window;  looking out ~ yet looking in.  It was a bright beginning to a new year. My mind was racing with thoughts of the Melisa Pearce’s Touched By A Horse Certification Program.TM   What if this program was the answer to the riddle that had presented itself over and over to me for the past five years. Reading after reading after reading, I had been told that I could work with horses if I wanted to. Wanted To? It is what i wanted to do most in the world! But I could not see what it looked like. I could not visualize it and the women giving me the reading could not answer that for me. They all said, “I don’t know what it means. This is just the information I am receiving.”  

One of my ego’s strongest arguments was the cost. It was pricey and I was having trouble paying my mortgage. That was the most evident problem on this physical plane.  I am not a horse trainer even though my dear sweet horse, Lakota, and I have spent hours and hours in various clinics studying Natural Horsemanship and how to be better partners to one another.  On the other hand, I did truly want to work with people. The last 15 years of running my own appraisal shop has become more and more unsatisfying, financially, mentally, and spiritually. I am ready for a change. But my “Doubting Thomas’ voice is loud in my inner debate. “What if we sign up and spend all this money and then we can’t make a living at it? What if we find out we’re not good enough? What if this is not the answer? What if? What if? What if?”

But a part of me knew. This is an answer. Here is a teacher right in my own back yard. “What if she moved up here from Arizona to be my teacher? What about that…huh?” I asked my Doubting Thomas self. “What if this IS the answer and I’m too scared to go for it?”

The part of me that “knows” smiled at the reflection in the frosty window and whispered, “It will be what you make it to be.  It is up to you, dear one.”  I walked to the phone and left a message with Melisa’s office. That was January 1, 2010.

Today, June 10, 2011, I will graduate with four of my fellow classmates. I would be lying if I said the journey has not been extremely challenging at times. But with help I have walked through my fears; I have acknowledged and moved beyond the nagging doubts ~ and there have been many along the way.  But in every cell of my body I KNOW that this was the answer. I am proud of myself for staying in the program, looking the “what-ifs” square in the face and finding the funds, finding the courage, and finding the stamina to move forward.  With Lakota’s help, and with the horses I sense will be joining us ~ we will make it glorious!!

Once again ~ we are at the beginning!

 

Manifestation

The most amazing thing happened to me in the past two weeks; a new-to-me Honda CRV found her way into my heart.  My dear sweet Idgey is an eighteen and half year old Honda Civic that has been a true companion and care taker for me. I love her dearly and feel like I know everything about her … except how long she plans to remain a functioning part of my life. We have shared over three thousand miles together ~ laughing and crying.

This journey of manifestation began with an email from one of my appraisal clients telling about a REALLY big job that was in the pipeline and wondering how I would bid an enormous job like this.  I ignored the email for a couple of days as I weighed the magnitude of the job, the man-hours it will take to complete versus the fact that I am in the final two months of my Equine Gestalt Coach certification program with many important steps still to accomplish. Could I reasonably accept the assignment? I decided that I could and put together my bid. I know that many folks would say beware of starting a project with Mercury Retrograde but the funny thing is, I was born with Mercury Rx . This particular time frame, while annoying as all get out for many people, often treats me kindly.

After submitting my bid, I drove into Boulder to deliver an appraisal to a fellow who was to write me a check which I intended to take right to his bank and cash. I was feeling pretty good about life. I dropped off Idgey to get her oil changed, an appointment that I had already cancelled twice (remember Rx).  After that I joined another a friend for lunch and told him about my intention to land this big assignment.  He bought me lunch. Yeah !!!

When my friend and I arrived back at Hoshi Motor, I jauntily walked up to the counter and was met by my dear friend, Laurie, who owns the shop. After exchanging pleasantries, I causally said, “When you find a really nice $5,000 CRV let me know, I think I am in the market.”  Now I have no idea where the words came from, they weren’t premeditated as I wasn’t really looking forward to the whole car-buying adventure. I have known Laurie for almost thirty years and we have become good friends as she been the primary care giver to my last three Honda’s. 

A very mysterious/incredulous look appeared on her face. “I have it here.”

“What?”

“I have it here on the lot right now. Let’s go look at it.” All three of us were caught up in the serendipity of the moment. I watched in total amazement as she gathered up a set of car keys and we all three walked back into the sunshine of the early afternoon. And there she sat, four doors, four new tires and totally blue.  Laurie unlocked the door, handed me the keys and said, “Take it out for a test drive and let me know what you think.”

It took a few moments before I realized what was happening here. I looked in and noticed it was stick shift. Yeah! A five speed was on my list of things that I would be looking for in a car. My friend and I climbed in and took Miss Blue for a short drive around town. Sweet. Loved it, she ran quietly and after I got used to her clutch things went smoothly.  After a spin around town, my friend and I walked back into Hoshi, and I told Laurie that I loved the car and really was interested. I did not have the funds to buy a car at the moment, but that I had a strong feeling that would change in the next few months.

And then the next miracle happened. My friend said, “You know what? I really think this is a great car. I think this is your next car. I am willing to write a check for it right now and you have a year, interest free, to pay me back. I have done this before and my money is setting in a savings account right now hardly doing anything. I really want you to have this car.”

I am not making it up. Those were the exact words. I was flabbergasted. I replied that would be great but this all happened so fast that I needed to think about it for a day. I really said that; my head was spinning. I did indeed think about it all night and when I called the next day I gave my friend an out, just in case he had changed his mind. But no, he was not emotional about it; he just wanted to do this for me.  And so I said "Yes". I bought a new car before I knew that I was looking. WOW!

Yesterday driving west looking at the mountains, I asked my new car “What is your name?” 

I tossed a couple of ideas out to the universe and then I noticed a large coyote on the side of the road, so totally into his own adventure that he hardly noticed us.

“Coyote Blue.” The words just came to me; I said them out loud and we were both pleased. Her friends may call her “CB” for short.  She is dark ‘late-evening’ blue ~ kind of a purple-ish blue. Sweet.

Life Lesson: Trust that what you need will come. 

Life is good.

Life is amazing.

Life is manifestation.

WOW.

Mocha – Part 2 of 2.

.... continued  

                                    
I moved away from Mocha for a moment and then stepped back up and asked the pendulum to read his chakra one more time. Nothing, da nada!  I took a small step back from the horse, closed my eyes and asked to see the spirit of his crown chakra. I immediately found myself in what felt like a large, dark hole. There was no light. I had the sense of being suspended in a very dark canister. It wasn’t uncomfortable or scary, but it was very, very dark. I imagined a small light bulb hanging down from above and I could muster up a small amount of light, but I had the definite sense that I was doing it all by myself and for myself; there was no part of Mocha that was participating. “Well this is really a dreary place to be” I said to the spirit of the chakra, whose presence I could feel, but could not see. “I certainly would not want to hang out here myself.  In fact, I have another place that I go to often in my meditation and I would like to show that to you, would you like to see it?”
“Yes”
I felt the spirit did indeed want to go there with me. So I took just a second to visualize the open meadow with my special tree; it is sunny and bright there.  Some small details change when I go to my special place but the green meadow, the large tree and the sunshine are always dependably present. I get there quickly and easily, and in fact had only been there for a second, when I noticed a brown horse running and bucking and expressing great joy at being in this lovely meadow. “What do you think about this place? Isn’t it great!” I called out to the dark horse      .
“Yes, yes, thank you for showing me this meadow. I had forgotten that places like this existed. I have been trapped in that black, dark place for a long time. I didn’t know that I could get out of it!!” he exclaimed excitedly.
“Oh yes, you can come here any time you want and you can even change it to make it all your own,” I answered back. I had the sense that he was running through a vast number of pleasant scenarios, and I felt the presence of other horses that he would soon be bringing into the meadow. I looked at the spirit horse in front of me and noticed that there was a calm, happy look in his eye. We nodded to each other and I left the meadow.
I opened my eyes and looked at Mocha. He had a calm demeanor and was still enjoying having us stand around him. I gently scratched his shoulder, told Martha the vision I had just experienced, and took my pendulum out of my pocket. I placed it above his head and asked the spirit of the crown chakra to show me the direction and intensity of that chakra. It began to move in a large sweeping circle. WOW! Martha and I looked at one another and grinned. For this day, we were done.
Could it be that easy?  I believe that it can, maybe not always, but it can be clean and simple and still be wildly effective. I believe that with all my heart. I have had visions that were a lot more complicated, but it is a step by step process, going where spirit guides me. The emptier I am, the easier the process flows. I do know that.
At this point I did have a verbal talk with Mocha and told him that respect is a two way street. That if he wanted, needed or desired respect from another being, even a human, he had to show some respect as well. Horse and humans are two different species of sentient beings and the rules of behavior between the two are not always the same. I reminded him that his humans were wonderful caregivers who provided a very comfortable life for him, worked hard to bring him good quality food and water, and that this probably deserved a good deal more respect towards them on his part if he wanted to stay with them. And I had the sense that he did.

I have not seen Mocha again, but I have recently heard from Martha that amazing things are happening between the two of them!

The "Happy" end.

A Heart’s Knowing

( our prompt was to  write about what we know in our heart to be true ..... and these were my thoughts.....)

Every day I get up and try to be the best human being I can be.  When I fall down on this mission, I pull myself up, dust off the debris, and start again.  Sometimes it is hard to look morning in the face.  Other days I am so full of love and joy that I almost ache.

I know that unconditional love is a reality, but it is a challenge as well.  To hold your heart open to someone, illuminating them with all the love light that you can generate, even as they do or say hurtful things, is so hard.  I know that my grandma and grandpa loved me unconditionally, all of the time.  I have often wondered if my son would say the same.  I know that I have come closer to pouring out unconditional love to him than to any other human on the planet.  At least for the longest amount of time, over twenty four years of loving that boy.  This past week-end he called from his home in Florida and left me the sweetest message.  He said that he saw a shooting star in the night sky and thought of me.  I still have his message saved on my phone so that I can listen to it one more time.

I know in my heart that dirt is good. I love putzing with plants and playing in their dirt.  I love gardening and plan on starting a very small garden this year ~ pole beans on tipis, butternut squash, tomatoes, and some greens ~ especially arugula.  Very small, manageable, could be added onto in the future, but reasonable for this first year.  In the old days I used to flippantly describe certain people as  “Dumb as dirt”.  I no longer say that….it is unfair and I am embarrassed by that.  I love dirt too much.

I know in my heart that I love horses.  Going out and feeding my horse, even going out to scoop poop, makes me feel better.  I love the way horses smell.  There is a freshness, a sweetness about them that only those who have smelled it know about. Although I love setting by the window and watching the horses play ~ I love that horses get me outdoors.  I tell Lakota many things.  I went out last January and the wind had whipped her mane into a tangled mess ~ a series of gnarly dreadlocks that stormy fingers had woven into an ugly mat.  I looked at it and started crying.  I thought about going inside and getting the scissors and just cutting it out.  It was too much and it looked impossible.  I had no tolerance.  I had just hung up the phone from talking with my mom.  They found more cancer in my Dad.  So here I stood in the cold sunshine beside my beautiful horse.  I set down her comb and started at the bottom ~ with my fingers I began to unwind the clumpy mess.  Sobbing, sometimes barely able to see what I was doing, I felt my way through it.  By the time I had finished I had stopped crying.  I was proud of myself for saving her gorgeous mane.  I marveled at her patience, for standing there and being with me in my grief.  She is such an amazing animal, my sister, my witness and my friend.

I know that I have far to go in realizing my full potential as a spiritual being living in this human form on this material plane.  I keep hearing the words from my last astrology reading, “Do you trust that what you need will come?  Do you trust that?”  And my heart soars and I yell out “YES, yes…I trust that what I need will come!” 

Every cell in my body chooses Love; love for my family, love for horses and dirt, the flowers and weeds that I’ve met this lifetime (you know who you are) and cherry tomatoes warmed by the sun.

In my heart, I trust Love. 

                   reprinted from "A Week's Worth of Women", Edited by Jyoti Wind, 2008