FIGHTING THE DEMONS

A friend of mine said to me recently, “You have been cycling through this pattern allot recently. You might want to consider a little round of anti-depressants to get on the other side of this.”

I was stunned. And then another tremor of shock went through me as I took a moment to consider how desirable that felt.  Oh, to take a pill and make my life easier. I barely listened as she told me her doctor’s philosophy that our brain synapsis can get off kilter and begin turning left when they should turn right, making connections that are not healthy for our organism ~ and by taking a round of anti-depressants, a person could break the pattern and get back to being their old self. 

My mind, adopting the adage “Inquiring Minds Want to KNOW,” wondered what would cause the brain to get off course in the first place.  My “Wise Woman” training believes that if we cover up  and placate the symptoms, instead of looking at and relating to the malady ~ we stand the chance of driving the dis-ease deeper into our bodies, only to surface again, later, and typically stronger than the first round.  By taking the time to look at it first, we can save time and can promote wholistic healing. 

Her observation had been a response to my statement that I had spent the afternoon “fighting my demons.” For the most part, my demons are the limiting beliefs that take me away from, or rob me of my joy.  They are not new.  (1) I never have enough time. (2) The balance I seek eludes me. (3) I concentrate more on what feeds my pocketbook than what feeds my soul. 

And the one thing I know for sure; ignoring them does not make them go away.  There are times when I address them, have a real conversation, and they diminish slightly allowing me to move forward in my day. But they have yet to disappear. However tempting, slicing them to ribbons with a mighty sword is not the solution.  So I remain optimistic that there is an answer that will satisfy both the "demon" and my “self.”

Besides, do I really want to be my old self?  A mood-elevating pill might be reasonable … but for now I am going to stay in the observation mode. Becoming the “detached witness” that so many of my teachers have talked about. Realizing that putting oneself under the microscope can sometimes be disturbing. Moving beyond old and into a new way of being is my ultimate goal. 

I choose to have an awareness ~ an allowing ~ of my “demon self.” After all, we we share the same space. 
And I am the one, with consistent help from my angels, in charge of how large the microscope is.
In gratitude I realize that every day I have more moments of pure joy than the day before.  And if I don’t?  I will just start again tomorrow.
Anyway, I have to put down my sword to pick up a cup of Tension Tamer tea. 

MY FATHER

My father lies on white satin
body stiff and silent
eyes eternally closed
lips forever rouged.

Before that...
    his body became more transparent
    with every passing week.
    His words often rambling
    making sense only to him
    only adding to his confusion.

Before that...
 His eyes, sparkling with mischief,
 threatening to trip when he walked me down the aisle.
 And I, not  totally sure that he would not
 had one more thing to wonder about that day.

And before that...
 He stood at his work bench
 creating a pair of wooden stilts for
 his children to play with ~ happy to hoist our bodies
 to travel high above the ground.

And before that...
  His fathers only son,
 body tall and thin,
 a horse trainer in his own right
 riding the Missouri hills on a handsome black pony
 Ever dreaming of his future
 ... possibly even, of me.

<<< This piece is dedicated to my dear brother-in-law whose own father recently made his transition to the next journey. >>>>

SKILLS !!

My world is totally f***ing bi-polar right now.                                                                                       I am hanging on to the bell at the bottom of my pendulum, swinging wildly from one extreme to another, back and forth, back and forth, never still, never totally comfortable.

Sometimes I can throw my head back and enjoy the air rushing through, messing up my hair, and laugh at the absurdity of it all,

Other times I cling tightly to the cold metal, eye lids pinched tightly, hanging on for dear (?) life.

The trick, I am reminded, is to seek inner balance. To "not be jolted by such impermanence."

 

 

I have tricks. Skills ??

"Step outdoors,”  I remind myself,

“seek the ragged edges of my mountain landscape, 

breathe deeply the sweet essence of a horse.”

Her sweet bulk soothes my nerves.  

Her steady heartbeat quiets mine.     

The kindness in her eye restores my faith.

 

Ragged might be beautiful.

 

PAISLEY

The paisley scarf is wrapped tight around her head; a beautiful mix of blues and purples, but it is the shape that fascinates me. It makes the back of her head look like a giant light bulb. I am still looking for a fleecy little cap with horses on it; that is exactly what she told me she wants and I intend to find one. Light weight and warm to protect her newly balding head.

Cancer leaves people looking like alien beings, recently arrived from some place out of this world. Well, it is not the cancer; I know that. It is the chemotherapy poison that they inject into her body every two weeks.

With one sentence her entire life changed, and through friendship, so did mine.  Cancer has made her wonder who she will be next week. Where will she be next year? It is my (our) job to remind her that she will still be the woman we love. We will gather and celebrate next year with renewed verve. She is scared that she has no choices. It is my job to remind her that every moment is a choice. She can keep those things which are dear to her ~ and examine and discard those that no longer serve her. The choice is always hers. And choices can be transmuted, rejected, or revised any time she chooses.

Fighting, Dancing, Having cancer has become a full time occupation.  Everything looks and feels different to her and to me. Getting ready, receiving instead of giving, planning a new way of eating, a new wardrobe to wear, a new time of day to visit the grocer when the crowds are gone, arranging drivers to and from appointments ... it feels endless.

Every “thing” is simultaneously precious and unimportant.  It is alien.

A new view of every day life ... a new …. anew  … Anew !!

I’m Back !!!

WOW ~ is time flying by for you as well?

I intended to offer my paper, Expressions of Horses as Healers, one piece at a time; breaking it down into small segments.  I scheduled Parts 1 through 6, and my goal was to present the entire paper without interruption.

And then life happened.
 
And life has been "interesting."  I use that word a lot these days in place of difficult, overwhelming, hard or scary.  "Interesting" carries a different energy ~ and that appears to be the main lesson. As my friend BB said recently, "The energies of these times are proving to be intense, chaotic and uprooting as we move more fully into the Age of Aquarius."  I am learning how to handle the not so subtle energy fluctuations that are being beamed to earth at this time.  My teachers said they were coming and science now says that it is happening.  Some days are better than others.
 
So, now I wish to finish the series offering Parts 7 - 10 in, hopefully, short easy-to-read segments. This will allow me to move on, free of my self-imposed decision to offer the whole paper in its entirety before scurrying off in new and exciting directions.

I hope you find it interesting! 

Check out my new adventure and website,
www.healinghorseregistryinternational.com

GOING CRAZY &/or PEACE OF MIND

I am both exquisitely happy and excruciatingly sad. Mad even. The difference between the two is driving me crazy. On one level I want everyone to find the joy and happiness that I desire for myself. I have a vision that includes a loving partner, a peaceful home, monetary stability, a deep love and connection with the universe and, last and maybe mostly, love of self.

My dear friend is in the throes of new lust. I want her to be happy and find the right fellow and settle down to a rich and meaningful life, filled with more joy than sorrow.  With all my heart I desire this for her.

At the same time my sanctuary has been violated. My friend and I share the same little farm house and now nothing feels as sweet to me as it did.  He has been here a month; if he paid rent would I be more accepting? When I said he could visit, I didn’t mean that he could move in. It feels like they are two against my one-ness. Her new love makes my life seem emptier than before, I feel dull and flat.  I don’t do well with dull and flat.  It isn’t where I normally reside and it is NO FUN !!!

In the beginning I made him out to be the villain. It was his fault that my life was turned into such chaos. It was so much easier to make him the “bad guy”.  My resentment was off the charts …. it lept tall buildings of the mind’s imagination and colored my life with drab colors of piss-offed-ness. My little world had been invaded and the enemy had no awareness of the depth of my despair. So I showed them. Passive aggressive behavior came back into my life, as easily as it had disappeared with the divorce decree of many years ago. However, the infinitesimal sparks of joy that came with a well thrust imaginary dagger were overwhelmed by excruciating sadness.

And I know. 

They are not the enemy. The battle is once again, always, within me. The situation is yet another way of showing me that I have more work to do. I have much at stake here. I could be on the brink of ruining a dear friendship and it is this thought that propels me to dive deep into the lesson. My house is my sanctuary. My friend is my friend. Sweet as it has been, I always knew that our sharing of this space was temporary. Communication could definitely be better between us but that probably won’t happen until I get to a more accepting place. Her new love is a gift that I wish for myself but not to the extent of their happiness. I desire to be the kind of friend that I want my friends to be to me. A prescription for valium would be appreciated right now, just to take the “sting” out of the situation. I need a stronger mantra …. mine is not sufficiently cutting through the crap of this moment. Once again I turn to my angels and ask for guidance, wisdom, peace of mind ……. Ahhhh, peace of mind. If this cannot be found within, it will never be available in the outer world.

I know.

More Ramblings of a Road Trip

Yesterday, walking up Lynnell’s road I stopped to tie my shoe.  As i stood up I noticed a hairy, black tarantula right between my shoes. I think I squeaked!  Where did he come from?  When we go back to look at him he rises up on his hind legs, posturing defensively. Yes, he does look bigger and it works. I am so out of here!

Last night we talked about how  out here in the high desert with absolutely NO light pollution, the stars come right down to the horizon.  There are stars apparently sitting in the treetops on top the canyon wall. They are decorated for the holidays!  It is incredibly beautiful!

8:45 am. Wave goodbye to Abiquiu.

Today, I am on the road heading north, home.

White flanks of antelope, glow in the sunshine

… then for the next ten miles every white rock cluster in the scrubby grass promises to be another herd

Bleached white rib bones curl towards the barb wire fence ~ another victim

Elk crossing sign seems to warn away that very creature

Tears well up, never quite enough to fall out of me, just enough to blur that, which in front of me, wants so badly to recognized as reality. Is this it?

Thoughts that Patricia will never again share this scenery

.... but then again, maybe she is sitting here beside me …

… maybe these are all her observations, reminding me to pay attention ….

I forgot it was October 31 until I stopped for a cup of coffee and handed my $1.50 to an impressive Queen of Hearts! Fun!

11:15 Alamosa ~ catch 17 straight north …. great short cut.

According to one property owner, Hwy 17 is the official UFO Highway; complete with watchtower, camp ground and small geodesic observatory … I keep my eyes open! They must be with the elk!

Sand Dunes on my east, I wave and call out to my friends that live in Crestone.

Joyful Journey Hot Springs looks very prosperous and that makes me feel good. If Patricia were here we would stop for an hour, but alone, I don’t feel enough inspiration … I drive on.

Down into Pagosa Springs, I missed the golden cottonwoods ~ last week’s snow fall must have worn them out.

Salida.   Patricia, remember the time I forgot my suit. We were heading south and we left the highway and popped into the local Wal-Mart.  I still have that bathing suit.

Collegiate Peaks, Arkansas River valley, Dvorak’s Rafting Co …. Earlier time, different friends, glad I lived to tell that story!!

Wide open South Park, rimmed by snow tipped mountains, so close. Light dusting of snow still on the ground.

1:30 Fairplay.  Might miss Denver rush hour , that would be good.

Wait for it … wait for it … ah, there it is. On Kenosha Pass there is one pull off that Patricia showed me the very first time we drove to New Mexico together.  Park the car, locate the small opening in the fence, find a private spot in the junipers, listen for voices, check the wind, squat and pee.  We discussed how much we enjoy peeing outdoors while we were peeing outdoors.  On more shared memory.

Taking In.

 

It feels like I have been in a receiving mode …. a place of “taking in” …  but I understand … it is also an inability to “put out”.  I am content to read, so many good books, and have read morning, noon and night.  Taking in the words, other people’s lives, even the made-up ones, tranquilized by their life situations. I listen to inspirational CD’s on those nights when I cannot sleep or those dark mornings when I desire a few more hours of respite ... and then wake up later with headphones pressed into my cheek.  I have sat with rented movies and dissolved into their premise letting them flavor my own life.   I have accomplished the “have to’s” and even a few of the “should’s”, but even as I think about writing some little incident, I cannot muster the strength. 

And amazingly enough, I have allowed myself to indulge in this place for weeks with very little recrimination.

But I am growing now uncomfortable.  I have flyers to create, I have workshops to fill, I have new people to meet and the ideas that have been percolating are ready for more.  And I have so many ideas!! It is time … to gather up all the little pieces of paper that have accumulated on my table tops … to review my moments of inspiration penned so quickly.   

I am heading home for my mother’s birthday and these ideas need to be birthed so that I will fit better, comfortably, in the seat of my transport.

It was not a cocoon and I don’t feel like a butterfly. I lay in bed this morning as the warm glow promises a pretty day and drank a cup of lovely coffee. I read my story and the many other stories printed in a new book, Red Silk, a Red Tent Anthology. I am thrilled to hold it in my hand, to see the printed words, some of them are mine!  I am inspired.  I am ready. And I do have so many ideas!!

Reciprocity – Just an Idea.

Last Friday night I stood with my class, the Mid Pack, at our graduation ceremony!! Whew!! Almost two years of studying, practicing, and working through our own “stuff” … and we are now certified in the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !!  The range, depth and potential of this work is awesome.

But I would like to take a moment and acknowledge those who came before me.  Among many other things, the Mid Pack had the outstanding privilege of learning from the Genesis group how to accept new members into this marvelous herd. We learned from their generous example.  It may not have been easy for them to let us in, to transition into a larger herd, but I never once felt that.  Not once. They were outstandingly gracious and accepting of us.

I have been thinking about the rumblings I have heard from new students as we each face our fears and our doubts about this program.  How large is this program going to get? Will there be enough work for me?  I confess that I have had my own doubts, my own dark fears.

I am reminded of a lesson I leaned fifteen years ago in South America. I was studying with a Peruvian shaman and one day he told us a story of his idea of reciprocity. To him and his fellow shamans, if anyone came forward and said they wanted to learn the ancient sacred ways, that teacher had to take them on as a student.  Because it was their understanding that not until each and every human stepped into their highest potential, could any of us ascend to the higher realms.  No one could move forward until every got it!  This idea was new to me and the hugeness of that statement stayed with me ever since. Every time you reach out and help someone up, you are supporting a larger cause.  Plain and simple, we are all in this together.

Then there is the sentiment that my dear friend Patricia offered up one day. She said, “If everyone on the earth was a healer, we would still have tons of work to do!” I don’t even know what she meant, but I know on a cellular level that the words are true.

And so I keep reminding myself of these two little stories. I totally believe that for each one of us to reach our highest potential we need to champion the successes of one another.  By supporting each other with grace and authenticity, we will each find our place.  There are thousands of horses waiting for us to step up to the plate and there are millions of folks who need us when they are ready.

If I had any words of wisdom for those coming into the program it would be this. If you need to compete, as is in my nature, compete with yourself.  Set your goals, keep an open mind, ask questions until you “get it”  and know that you are in a loving herd whose survival depends on your strength of character. We are in this together and it is so outrageously rewarding!!  There is room for all of us. I welcome you to a marvelous adventure.  It will be what you make it to be.

And I know for me this is just the beginning.  I look forward to many more years of studying, practicing, and working through my own “stuff” as I move forward as a practitioner of the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !! 

Namaste.

The Beginning

I remember standing in front of my kitchen window staring out on the cold January morning. I could see my reflection in the window;  looking out ~ yet looking in.  It was a bright beginning to a new year. My mind was racing with thoughts of the Melisa Pearce’s Touched By A Horse Certification Program.TM   What if this program was the answer to the riddle that had presented itself over and over to me for the past five years. Reading after reading after reading, I had been told that I could work with horses if I wanted to. Wanted To? It is what i wanted to do most in the world! But I could not see what it looked like. I could not visualize it and the women giving me the reading could not answer that for me. They all said, “I don’t know what it means. This is just the information I am receiving.”  

One of my ego’s strongest arguments was the cost. It was pricey and I was having trouble paying my mortgage. That was the most evident problem on this physical plane.  I am not a horse trainer even though my dear sweet horse, Lakota, and I have spent hours and hours in various clinics studying Natural Horsemanship and how to be better partners to one another.  On the other hand, I did truly want to work with people. The last 15 years of running my own appraisal shop has become more and more unsatisfying, financially, mentally, and spiritually. I am ready for a change. But my “Doubting Thomas’ voice is loud in my inner debate. “What if we sign up and spend all this money and then we can’t make a living at it? What if we find out we’re not good enough? What if this is not the answer? What if? What if? What if?”

But a part of me knew. This is an answer. Here is a teacher right in my own back yard. “What if she moved up here from Arizona to be my teacher? What about that…huh?” I asked my Doubting Thomas self. “What if this IS the answer and I’m too scared to go for it?”

The part of me that “knows” smiled at the reflection in the frosty window and whispered, “It will be what you make it to be.  It is up to you, dear one.”  I walked to the phone and left a message with Melisa’s office. That was January 1, 2010.

Today, June 10, 2011, I will graduate with four of my fellow classmates. I would be lying if I said the journey has not been extremely challenging at times. But with help I have walked through my fears; I have acknowledged and moved beyond the nagging doubts ~ and there have been many along the way.  But in every cell of my body I KNOW that this was the answer. I am proud of myself for staying in the program, looking the “what-ifs” square in the face and finding the funds, finding the courage, and finding the stamina to move forward.  With Lakota’s help, and with the horses I sense will be joining us ~ we will make it glorious!!

Once again ~ we are at the beginning!

 

Happy June 1st

I made it!!  Ya hooo!
I wrote a three page essay this morning on how badly May sucked, but I decided I won’t subject you to it. Take my word for it, it was a difficult month. I was presented with daily challenges, most around my computer crashing and now my dear old friend of a Honda is not doing well. In between times I bought the funniet graduation cards only to get home and realize they were birthday cards, the check was “not in the mail”,  I stepped in melted used chewing gum and then stepped into my new car and got it all over the clutch, the brake pedal, the carpet and me and……

I have watched myself fight and resist every new twist in the story. Fear of the unknown.  Forced to spend more money than I am making wasn’t too much fun.  Computer-technology-ignorance is certainly one situation where ignorance is not bliss! I rarely entered into the change gracefully, no, I watched myself resist wildly, either inwardly or outwardly. It took a lot of energy to be me last month. Whew! I am exhausted.

I called a good friend of mine yesterday and told her I was really concerned about how angry I had been this past month. And she said, “Well, I don’t know if I would call it angry, but you were certainly irritable.”  I apologized for those times when I called her and vented and she said, “Don’t worry, I didn’t take it personally. It will probably be me next time and you always listen to me.”  That is a good friend. She didn’t sugar coat my “irritability” but she kept open the door to a rewarding friendship.

I was up at the crack of dawn this morning and the sunrise colors were incredible; fuchsia, deep oranges, hot rose pink, it was a promise of a new day, a new month, a new ......  !

Happy June!

Manifestation

The most amazing thing happened to me in the past two weeks; a new-to-me Honda CRV found her way into my heart.  My dear sweet Idgey is an eighteen and half year old Honda Civic that has been a true companion and care taker for me. I love her dearly and feel like I know everything about her … except how long she plans to remain a functioning part of my life. We have shared over three thousand miles together ~ laughing and crying.

This journey of manifestation began with an email from one of my appraisal clients telling about a REALLY big job that was in the pipeline and wondering how I would bid an enormous job like this.  I ignored the email for a couple of days as I weighed the magnitude of the job, the man-hours it will take to complete versus the fact that I am in the final two months of my Equine Gestalt Coach certification program with many important steps still to accomplish. Could I reasonably accept the assignment? I decided that I could and put together my bid. I know that many folks would say beware of starting a project with Mercury Retrograde but the funny thing is, I was born with Mercury Rx . This particular time frame, while annoying as all get out for many people, often treats me kindly.

After submitting my bid, I drove into Boulder to deliver an appraisal to a fellow who was to write me a check which I intended to take right to his bank and cash. I was feeling pretty good about life. I dropped off Idgey to get her oil changed, an appointment that I had already cancelled twice (remember Rx).  After that I joined another a friend for lunch and told him about my intention to land this big assignment.  He bought me lunch. Yeah !!!

When my friend and I arrived back at Hoshi Motor, I jauntily walked up to the counter and was met by my dear friend, Laurie, who owns the shop. After exchanging pleasantries, I causally said, “When you find a really nice $5,000 CRV let me know, I think I am in the market.”  Now I have no idea where the words came from, they weren’t premeditated as I wasn’t really looking forward to the whole car-buying adventure. I have known Laurie for almost thirty years and we have become good friends as she been the primary care giver to my last three Honda’s. 

A very mysterious/incredulous look appeared on her face. “I have it here.”

“What?”

“I have it here on the lot right now. Let’s go look at it.” All three of us were caught up in the serendipity of the moment. I watched in total amazement as she gathered up a set of car keys and we all three walked back into the sunshine of the early afternoon. And there she sat, four doors, four new tires and totally blue.  Laurie unlocked the door, handed me the keys and said, “Take it out for a test drive and let me know what you think.”

It took a few moments before I realized what was happening here. I looked in and noticed it was stick shift. Yeah! A five speed was on my list of things that I would be looking for in a car. My friend and I climbed in and took Miss Blue for a short drive around town. Sweet. Loved it, she ran quietly and after I got used to her clutch things went smoothly.  After a spin around town, my friend and I walked back into Hoshi, and I told Laurie that I loved the car and really was interested. I did not have the funds to buy a car at the moment, but that I had a strong feeling that would change in the next few months.

And then the next miracle happened. My friend said, “You know what? I really think this is a great car. I think this is your next car. I am willing to write a check for it right now and you have a year, interest free, to pay me back. I have done this before and my money is setting in a savings account right now hardly doing anything. I really want you to have this car.”

I am not making it up. Those were the exact words. I was flabbergasted. I replied that would be great but this all happened so fast that I needed to think about it for a day. I really said that; my head was spinning. I did indeed think about it all night and when I called the next day I gave my friend an out, just in case he had changed his mind. But no, he was not emotional about it; he just wanted to do this for me.  And so I said "Yes". I bought a new car before I knew that I was looking. WOW!

Yesterday driving west looking at the mountains, I asked my new car “What is your name?” 

I tossed a couple of ideas out to the universe and then I noticed a large coyote on the side of the road, so totally into his own adventure that he hardly noticed us.

“Coyote Blue.” The words just came to me; I said them out loud and we were both pleased. Her friends may call her “CB” for short.  She is dark ‘late-evening’ blue ~ kind of a purple-ish blue. Sweet.

Life Lesson: Trust that what you need will come. 

Life is good.

Life is amazing.

Life is manifestation.

WOW.

A Lesson in Time

Just the other day someone made a comment about the fact that I never wear a watch.  “That is remarkable” she said, “how do you make it to all of your appointments on time?”

For one moment I traveled back to a long ago event…

I remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday.  I was standing in front of the elevator door watching the numbers light up as it traveled slowly up and then began its descent.  One of my best friends was back in the hospital, her stomach full of cancer.  I was taking time out from a very busy work schedule, and as I waited I was trying to remember every thing I still had to get done that day.  Then, you see, I would know how long I could comfortably spend with her on this particular afternoon. 

My watch band broke.  My watch slipped off my wrist and fell to the vinyl tile floor and laid there beside my foot.  Looking down at it I suddenly felt lost.  I bent down, picked it up and held it in my hand, confused for a moment as to what to do next.   I was embarrassed.  What in the heck was I worried about?  How much time did I have?  Hell, how much time did she have?  What is time?

As I gazed at the broken watch it spoke to me, “This is a gift. Go upstairs and be with her.  Time is of no importance.”  With a deep sigh, I dropped it into my purse as the elevator door opened in front of me.

((written October 5, 2008;  revised April 22, 2011 -  blogged today to prepare to receive my new CRV))

Ode to a Honda

I have been taking my Honda cars to Hoshi Motors for nearly thirty years.  My mechanic has become a dear friend; I have her birthday on my yearly calendar.  February 2009 I was having trouble with my car’s heater and I had them look it over during a routine oil change.  As I stood at the counter they gently explained what a head gasket was, and that Idgey’s was going bad.   I tried to keep up a pleasant banter as I questioned them about what to expect and what did this really mean?  The prognosis was grim, “It could last for two days or another two weeks, but it is going to fail you one day soon. You need to start thinking about a new car.”  I started crying on the road home and I cried for days.

My 1^st Honda was a little light blue station wagon, I have no idea what the vintage was, but it was used when we bought it before my son was born.  Her name was Old Blue.  My 2^nd  Honda was the large square wagon with dark tinted windows; it was blue as well.  It was my office on wheels, had tons of interior space, plus it had high clearance for barreling through the snow.  I always thought of that car as a juvenile delinquent but I loved it.  It was November of 1992 and my family was getting ready to drive to Missouri for Thanksgiving. I took my car to Grease Monkey for a quick oil change the day before we left.  By the time we got to Springfield, Mo the engine was wrecked.  I didn’t know how bad the damage was but I decided to take him to Hoshi as soon as I got home.  We had to add a lot of oil on that return trip.  We found out the engine was blown, but he carried us all the way back to Colorado and delivered us to our doorstep.  I still think of him has Brave Heart. 

I bought Idgey on December 5^th, 1992.  It was the first car I had ever purchased new, 36 miles on the odometer, and Bob talked the dealers into free air conditioning.  She is an opalescent light green, the color of the movie, Fried Green Tomatoes ~ one of my favorite books that they made into an excellent movie.  Idgey was one of the main characters so naming my sporty new car was easy.

To me an automobile is NOT an inanimate object.  Every component of my car is made of metals and plastics ~ which are probably compounds of mixed cellular structures.  She drinks fluids and, on rare occasions, may emit a little gaseous fume.  Even if my theory is weak on facts, my conclusion is the same.  She is my friend; she has a heart and feelings.  She has been there for me in the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health.  She has listened as I sing along to the radio, witnessed my tears and absorbed my anger.  I made up a song for her that I sing every once in awhile.  Every year on my birthday we pretend that it is her birthday as well and we go the car wash and get “the works” inside and out;  I pay extra for a squirt of “new car smell”. 

I can barely imagine life without Idgey.  She takes care of me.  Many years ago, coming across Kansas I-70 on a return trip from my parent’s house, I suddenly felt the power disappear.  In front of me was an off ramp.  Idgey coasted up the ramp, we made a left hand turn over the interstate and finally lost all momentum in front of a pay telephone at a convenience store.  She took care of me ~ there is no other way to describe it.  I called Hoshi, they checked my file and told me what had probably happened and how much it would cost to get it fixed.  When I got back home, I called my insurance agent to ask if I could be reimbursed for the tow truck.  “You didn’t need to pay for that, it is included in your insurance!” he exclaimed.  “It is?” I asked incredulously.  “Nothing ever goes wrong with my car so I didn’t remember that.” 

I have often joked about driving her for 400,000 miles, Hondas have been known to do that and we are well past 300,000 miles now!   Even I know that she is probably no longer safe for long highway trips, but I must tell you that she and I made four trips across Kansas a few years ago as my Fathers health began to fail.  I had other things on mind, to be sure, but I never thought for a second that she wouldn’t get me there and back again. And she did - four times in six months.

It has been more than two years since they told me her time was near.  I keep a very good record of all the antifreeze I add and I religiously watch the heat gauge, it will be one of my first warning signs.  I am still getting over 400 miles per tank of gas and she drives up Boulder Canyon like a trooper.  She is my friend, my ally, my office on wheels.  When her time is really up, I have a phone number of a charity that I can donate her body to, and she will continue to serve as a learning tool for an aspiring young mechanic.  I know that is what she wants.   But for now, I will continue to sing her song for as long as she will listen. 

((written July 6,  2008; revised April 20, 2011 -  blogged today to prepare to receive my new CRV)

Winding Path to a Small Ass - Part 4of ??

Time to Move

I must admit that I spent most of the forty-five minute drive hoping that I would be heading home with the geldings but it was apparent immediately that the girls had heard my prayer and nuzzled their way into our hearts.  But I did give the little fellows a lot of time to change my mind. The elder gent, all of about eight years and 35 inches, was spotted and incredibly adorable. His younger partner, a handsome little gray of two, was not ready to leave home; he was fearful and even though I sat down on the fence at his level, he would not come up to investigate me. Damaris indulged my fantasy, but she spent most of her time with the owner and rest of the herd ~ she already had her answer!

It was very difficult for the woman to say goodbye to the little pair, so while she haltered the girls we left her alone to make her peace. She went into the house and I opened the back doors of my trailer. We led Hillary and Piñata to the trailer and they looked dubious. Their ears kept up a constant swivel as they smelled the floor mat curiously, eyeballing the shiny white interior.

I have a two horse slant gooseneck trailer that I had wide open for them. Loosely holding their lead ropes I walked into the trailer. We let them explore for a few minutes and then I had a strong sense that it was time to move. Damaris picked up one tiny brown front leg and placed it on the floor mat. She quickly placed the other front leg in the trailer. John literally picked up a little brown rump and slid her in. In a blink of an eye the second mini found herself in the trailer too. I stroked their necks and told them to get comfortable and promised to drive them carefully to their new home.

… to be continued.