WHITE CARPET : RED STAIN.

                    

Saturday. I woke up this morning with an image in my mind that won’t go away.  So I thought if I gave it a voice it may have more to teach me. It has to do with my personal journey through domestic violence. It was certainly not a journey that I planned for myself, but once the engine pulled out of the station, picking up speed ~ it was hard to jump off the train.

I have spent the past few months working on a piece of “unfinished business” that bubbled to the surface through a series of seemingly unrelated events. Actually it was brought to my attention by my life coach who listened to me ramble on about the random chaos of my life;  a disappointing experience with my male housemate, patchy communication with my son, and yet .. forever optimistic …. my desire for a new relationship. Yes, I believe I am finally ready.

It was she who finally named the elephant in the room. With her help I have been looking at my relationships with the men in my life ~~ from the very beginning to the present. It has been interesting and sometimes painful; sorting through what is important, what needs to be transformed, and what needs to be let go. 

This morning’s vision was a red stain on white carpet.  It was curious and when I stepped back I saw a scene unfold before me.  I was in a living room ~ and I knew it was my living room although I have never lived in a house with white carpet. Someone had spilled dark red wine. They apologized profusely and even as I quickly found things to mop up the mess I was assuring them that it was alright, that everything would be all right.  But I was lying.  I knew the carpet was ruined and would never be the same again. I had the carpet professionally cleaned and the spot looked like it really had disappeared. But by that evening, after the workmen had left, the carpet began to dry and stain popped out again. And every time the carpet was cleaned the spot faded away a little more, until it was so slight that only I knew it was there. Maybe it isn’t really there anymore! Can you see it?  Maybe I only see it because I remember where it happened.

That is what domestic violence feels like. There were many stains …. but it was such a long, long time ago.  I cleaned and cleaned that damn carpet. I even sat a coffee table over the top and could walk right by without even thinking about it.  I thought the stain had finally disappeared … but here it is again. This is what unfinished business looks like.  

Of course there are elements of forgiveness ~ for myself and others.

But what about wiping the slate clean and forgetting all about it. Is that the answer? Is it even realistic? Does time heal all wounds? For me, the answer is “Yes, but” … which quietly dissolves into “No, not really.” 

And so here is where I am today. I realize that stain happened a long time ago to a young girl who had few skills and very little protection. But today I am a very different person. My forgiveness, offered many years ago, is still sincere. What to do next? I booked an energy session with a friend to clear and remove blocked and harmful energy patterns that no longer serve me. I have studied hard, learned many things, yet often stopped to smell the roses. I know honest lovely men, most of them married to dear friends of mine, but I enjoy their company and know there are more men out there like them. Today I walk with my head up, laugh easily, and am surrounded by friends I can trust to be there for me.

I believe the white carpet is my own young innocence. The "red" stain is the anger I felt deeply and never fully acknowledged. Stains happen, so do miracles.  Talking with a qualified coach and receiving energy work allowed me to move through the process with much more understanding; deeper and quicker and with more direction. 

And I know now that I can choose to pull the cord, stop the train and step off, thusly … moving forward with grace.                                    Blessed be.                                            

IRELAND, a Link to Possibility

I am looking at the girl I was "before" I left for Ireland, the girl who made the trip and the one who returned.  And I want/need/desire there to be a difference.  Please note, I am using the term "girl" very loosely here, but it is early morning and that is how I am feeling. You might understand this better, as time goes on.  {*.*}

In Ireland, the Land seemed to continually whisper to me, "Let it go."  I heard it as I leaned my head into the trunk of an ancient tree or laid my heart upon the earth. I heard it from the moss and the tiny green "villages" I marveled at on the rock walls.  My body pressed the point by becoming constipated and all I wanted to do was "let 'er rip, and let it go".  But even with herbs and massage I was having trouble ... physically letting it go. In ceremony, a shaman stepped in front of me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Move beyond your fear. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be."  She smiled at me and in that moment I felt like everything was possible.  Re-member. That is who I want to be now, the woman/child to whom all things are possible.  So be it.

One of the things I let go of on the Isle of Inisfallen, is my proclivity to perfection.  Kind of trips off the tongue, doesn't it?  Proclivity to Perfection.  Ta Da!!!   Well it is not only a pain in the arse, it can be an excuse for not getting things done.  I am thinking of a lovely little blog I wanted to write earlier this year and I saw it accompanied by the perfect picture of my horse. I could easily visualize the whole piece. But the weather outside did not match the message of my blog, so I waited and waited for the perfect conditions.  Then, one morning the weather cooperated and I went out and took a dozen pictures of my adorable horse, frosted from head to tail with shimmery ice crystals. My photos were not as artistic as I had envisioned but they would do. Coming back to my computer I searched for the essay and realized I had never committed the words to paper - waiting for the perfect moment I had never actually written the blog piece - so now I had “okay” pictures and no essay.  I had nothing but a good intention and a lot of dissatisfaction with myself.

If only it ended there ~ but unfortunately this sad story continues. A few weeks later, I did actually "find the time" to write the piece, but it was a sunny warm day and something inside me said that I could not really post a blog about frosty horses on such a beautiful sunny Spring day.  Preposterous!!  Everyone would know it was sunny in Colorado and that this blog piece was not spontaneous.

So now I am beginning to see the flaws in Miss Perfection.  She really only cares about what everyone else will think of her. Anything less than perfection is unacceptable to her ~~ because of what others may think.  But when I let Miss Perfection "drive my bus" … I become constipated … my physical/emotional and spiritual bowels twist up, all forward motion grinds to a halt, and nothing productive is accomplished. 

My need for perfection at all costs, especially as it relates to being judged by others, is a limiting belief that no longer serves me. This part of my personality may have served me at one time but is now coming from a place of fear. That is what I let go of in Ireland. In my search for inner peace, I released fear based limiting beliefs.

As a gestalt coach, I know that I cannot toss Miss Perfection under the bus. Even when I want to, and I do, that is not the answer.  She deserves acknowledgement and acceptance. But I will ask her to sit in the back seat and enjoy the ride, offering up her valid ideas only to help put the polish on a piece; to bring up the luster by loving it into a more complete piece of work we can both live with.

And so now my dear little blog, get ready. I might post about rain during a drought, or feeling good when I don't, or any number of random ideas. And if I think of a fantabulous addition after the fact, I give myself permission to post that as well .... in a non-sequitur manner that would not have been possible BI = Before my magical trip to Ireland.

AI = After Ireland.                                                                                                                                       I claim my Freedom !!
Loving Living Wild in Colorado,
In-Joy !!

A THOUSAND YEAR FLOOD.

It has now been 50 days since the rains began that changed the front range landscape of Boulder, Larimer, Jefferson and Weld counties of Colorado.  We survived the “flood of Biblical proportions.”  I have written about it many times, but produced nothing worthy of sharing but serving as a cathartic stress release.  For weeks I suffered from a low level anxiety; trouble sleeping, shortness of breath, and my stomach didn’t feel right.  In fact, I feel like I ate my way through the flood, snacking all day long as I huddled close to my radio listening to what was happening to my physical realm.

At one point I talked with my sister and she could totally relate to how I was feeling. Three years ago she was caught at home ~ alone with one dog, two cats, two horses, and a dozen chickens ~ during an ice storm that left her without electricity for 10 days.  She moved into survival mode, doing what she had to do to take care of everyone, securing water was difficult. She ended up getting sick from attempting to heat a portion of her home with a propane space heater. But everyone on her ten acres lived. The story had a satisfactory ending. For the rest of the winter she, and many of her friends in southern Missouri, had a panic attack every time a storm set up which could bring a layer of ice to their world.

We survive. Katrina, Sandy, massive tornadoes, rampaging forest fires, shifting, sliding, unable to stay the same ...

Slowly it passes.

Below is an excerpt from my friend, my astrologer, and my writing buddy, Jyoti Wind’s astrological newsletter. Her words moved me; she said it better than all of my ramblings and I asked her permission to share it with you here. 

Dear friends, The human and emotional toll of a natural disaster is deep and encompassing.It scars the landscape of one’s thinking so that one returns again and again to that abrasion.  A collective atmosphere of shock and stress grows into a thought form, an energetic, that permeates the area more than the mud and water, and takes a while to recede.  Relief aid, a listening ear, an offer to help are the balm that wipes clear the window onto the future. Possibilities then become visible.

We are in the process of shifting. It doesn’t have a clear demarcation line of when it started, but in the last one and a half years it has felt like there was an escalation. We have another one and a half years to go. And again, there won’t be a stopping line, and end. It may begin to feel that there is more of a flow instead of a push.

Meanwhile the push to change old patterns continues.  Looking at how you have changed over the past one and a half years might be an interesting undertaking. Blessings,Jyoti

For more information and to contact Jyoti Wind:
http://www.writes-of-passage.blogspot.com
http://www.aweeksworthofwomen.blogspot.com
www.jyotiwindastrology.com

GOING CRAZY &/or PEACE OF MIND

I am both exquisitely happy and excruciatingly sad. Mad even. The difference between the two is driving me crazy. On one level I want everyone to find the joy and happiness that I desire for myself. I have a vision that includes a loving partner, a peaceful home, monetary stability, a deep love and connection with the universe and, last and maybe mostly, love of self.

My dear friend is in the throes of new lust. I want her to be happy and find the right fellow and settle down to a rich and meaningful life, filled with more joy than sorrow.  With all my heart I desire this for her.

At the same time my sanctuary has been violated. My friend and I share the same little farm house and now nothing feels as sweet to me as it did.  He has been here a month; if he paid rent would I be more accepting? When I said he could visit, I didn’t mean that he could move in. It feels like they are two against my one-ness. Her new love makes my life seem emptier than before, I feel dull and flat.  I don’t do well with dull and flat.  It isn’t where I normally reside and it is NO FUN !!!

In the beginning I made him out to be the villain. It was his fault that my life was turned into such chaos. It was so much easier to make him the “bad guy”.  My resentment was off the charts …. it lept tall buildings of the mind’s imagination and colored my life with drab colors of piss-offed-ness. My little world had been invaded and the enemy had no awareness of the depth of my despair. So I showed them. Passive aggressive behavior came back into my life, as easily as it had disappeared with the divorce decree of many years ago. However, the infinitesimal sparks of joy that came with a well thrust imaginary dagger were overwhelmed by excruciating sadness.

And I know. 

They are not the enemy. The battle is once again, always, within me. The situation is yet another way of showing me that I have more work to do. I have much at stake here. I could be on the brink of ruining a dear friendship and it is this thought that propels me to dive deep into the lesson. My house is my sanctuary. My friend is my friend. Sweet as it has been, I always knew that our sharing of this space was temporary. Communication could definitely be better between us but that probably won’t happen until I get to a more accepting place. Her new love is a gift that I wish for myself but not to the extent of their happiness. I desire to be the kind of friend that I want my friends to be to me. A prescription for valium would be appreciated right now, just to take the “sting” out of the situation. I need a stronger mantra …. mine is not sufficiently cutting through the crap of this moment. Once again I turn to my angels and ask for guidance, wisdom, peace of mind ……. Ahhhh, peace of mind. If this cannot be found within, it will never be available in the outer world.

I know.

The Beginning

I remember standing in front of my kitchen window staring out on the cold January morning. I could see my reflection in the window;  looking out ~ yet looking in.  It was a bright beginning to a new year. My mind was racing with thoughts of the Melisa Pearce’s Touched By A Horse Certification Program.TM   What if this program was the answer to the riddle that had presented itself over and over to me for the past five years. Reading after reading after reading, I had been told that I could work with horses if I wanted to. Wanted To? It is what i wanted to do most in the world! But I could not see what it looked like. I could not visualize it and the women giving me the reading could not answer that for me. They all said, “I don’t know what it means. This is just the information I am receiving.”  

One of my ego’s strongest arguments was the cost. It was pricey and I was having trouble paying my mortgage. That was the most evident problem on this physical plane.  I am not a horse trainer even though my dear sweet horse, Lakota, and I have spent hours and hours in various clinics studying Natural Horsemanship and how to be better partners to one another.  On the other hand, I did truly want to work with people. The last 15 years of running my own appraisal shop has become more and more unsatisfying, financially, mentally, and spiritually. I am ready for a change. But my “Doubting Thomas’ voice is loud in my inner debate. “What if we sign up and spend all this money and then we can’t make a living at it? What if we find out we’re not good enough? What if this is not the answer? What if? What if? What if?”

But a part of me knew. This is an answer. Here is a teacher right in my own back yard. “What if she moved up here from Arizona to be my teacher? What about that…huh?” I asked my Doubting Thomas self. “What if this IS the answer and I’m too scared to go for it?”

The part of me that “knows” smiled at the reflection in the frosty window and whispered, “It will be what you make it to be.  It is up to you, dear one.”  I walked to the phone and left a message with Melisa’s office. That was January 1, 2010.

Today, June 10, 2011, I will graduate with four of my fellow classmates. I would be lying if I said the journey has not been extremely challenging at times. But with help I have walked through my fears; I have acknowledged and moved beyond the nagging doubts ~ and there have been many along the way.  But in every cell of my body I KNOW that this was the answer. I am proud of myself for staying in the program, looking the “what-ifs” square in the face and finding the funds, finding the courage, and finding the stamina to move forward.  With Lakota’s help, and with the horses I sense will be joining us ~ we will make it glorious!!

Once again ~ we are at the beginning!

 

Mocha – Part 2 of 2.

.... continued  

                                    
I moved away from Mocha for a moment and then stepped back up and asked the pendulum to read his chakra one more time. Nothing, da nada!  I took a small step back from the horse, closed my eyes and asked to see the spirit of his crown chakra. I immediately found myself in what felt like a large, dark hole. There was no light. I had the sense of being suspended in a very dark canister. It wasn’t uncomfortable or scary, but it was very, very dark. I imagined a small light bulb hanging down from above and I could muster up a small amount of light, but I had the definite sense that I was doing it all by myself and for myself; there was no part of Mocha that was participating. “Well this is really a dreary place to be” I said to the spirit of the chakra, whose presence I could feel, but could not see. “I certainly would not want to hang out here myself.  In fact, I have another place that I go to often in my meditation and I would like to show that to you, would you like to see it?”
“Yes”
I felt the spirit did indeed want to go there with me. So I took just a second to visualize the open meadow with my special tree; it is sunny and bright there.  Some small details change when I go to my special place but the green meadow, the large tree and the sunshine are always dependably present. I get there quickly and easily, and in fact had only been there for a second, when I noticed a brown horse running and bucking and expressing great joy at being in this lovely meadow. “What do you think about this place? Isn’t it great!” I called out to the dark horse      .
“Yes, yes, thank you for showing me this meadow. I had forgotten that places like this existed. I have been trapped in that black, dark place for a long time. I didn’t know that I could get out of it!!” he exclaimed excitedly.
“Oh yes, you can come here any time you want and you can even change it to make it all your own,” I answered back. I had the sense that he was running through a vast number of pleasant scenarios, and I felt the presence of other horses that he would soon be bringing into the meadow. I looked at the spirit horse in front of me and noticed that there was a calm, happy look in his eye. We nodded to each other and I left the meadow.
I opened my eyes and looked at Mocha. He had a calm demeanor and was still enjoying having us stand around him. I gently scratched his shoulder, told Martha the vision I had just experienced, and took my pendulum out of my pocket. I placed it above his head and asked the spirit of the crown chakra to show me the direction and intensity of that chakra. It began to move in a large sweeping circle. WOW! Martha and I looked at one another and grinned. For this day, we were done.
Could it be that easy?  I believe that it can, maybe not always, but it can be clean and simple and still be wildly effective. I believe that with all my heart. I have had visions that were a lot more complicated, but it is a step by step process, going where spirit guides me. The emptier I am, the easier the process flows. I do know that.
At this point I did have a verbal talk with Mocha and told him that respect is a two way street. That if he wanted, needed or desired respect from another being, even a human, he had to show some respect as well. Horse and humans are two different species of sentient beings and the rules of behavior between the two are not always the same. I reminded him that his humans were wonderful caregivers who provided a very comfortable life for him, worked hard to bring him good quality food and water, and that this probably deserved a good deal more respect towards them on his part if he wanted to stay with them. And I had the sense that he did.

I have not seen Mocha again, but I have recently heard from Martha that amazing things are happening between the two of them!

The "Happy" end.

Gracious Miracle

This was one of my journeys during a shamanic writing workshop that I took a few years ago.

As a group we had been instructed in the afternoon’s process.  Each of the participants began by gently grooming the horse in front of them. As the drumming started we were instructed to step back and begin our journey.  I have never tried journey work standing up before, but, why not ??

Accepting the rhythm of the drum, I moved back away from the horse and closed my eyes. I quickly found myself in total darkness.  I was quiet with the blackness and then it began to take shape.  It somehow felt like I was in a very large tube, the darkness felt soft, like velvet.  It was not something that I could touch because I was somehow suspended in the middle of the tube, easily and gently being supported there. No worries.

I begin to notice a procession. It started way below me, the shapes were small. It looked as if they were slowly walking up black velvet steps that I could not really see, just imagine. The shapes were not close to me, but they further defined the feeling that I was in a large black cylinder. The procession arched around me and as they grew closer I could tell that they were horses, of every color; colors that “real” horses don’t normally come in ~ there were bright yellow horses and pink ones, and green ones.  Some of them looked like carousal horses, but it was also very apparent that they were living, breathing, and moving animals. They were beautiful.  As they grew close, I saw their wings. Some were folded back along their backs but most were standing up, connected at the upper shoulder and moving gently with each step.  It was so awesome I may have stopped breathing.

I have been told for years in different readings that I could work with the horses if I so chose, and help them get their wings.  But I could not visualize it and was totally unsure what to do next ….. and here they were, and they all had their wings.  Sensing my question they said, “Yes, we already have our wings. We have always had our etheric wings. They are a sign of our divinity. Only you humans have never acknowledged them. Some of you are only now beginning to acknowledge our divinity.  It is good and we are thankful.” 

“So what am I supposed to do?” silently formulating another question in my mind.

“There are horses who have forgotten their own wings. You will find them in your healing work. You can help them remember and restore to them their divinity if they so choose. Share this vision with them and they will instantly remember ~ they will re-awaken their own cellular memory”. 

I nodded my head in agreement and continued to watch the procession of amazing creatures, silently climbing, creating now a wondrous spiral around me. I had tears in my eyes as rapid drumming drew me back into the arena and an outside voice instructed each of us to return to our bodies. I quietly whispered my prayers of gratitude for their willingness to be present with me this day. Another gracious miracle received.