FIGHTING THE DEMONS

A friend of mine said to me recently, “You have been cycling through this pattern allot recently. You might want to consider a little round of anti-depressants to get on the other side of this.”

I was stunned. And then another tremor of shock went through me as I took a moment to consider how desirable that felt.  Oh, to take a pill and make my life easier. I barely listened as she told me her doctor’s philosophy that our brain synapsis can get off kilter and begin turning left when they should turn right, making connections that are not healthy for our organism ~ and by taking a round of anti-depressants, a person could break the pattern and get back to being their old self. 

My mind, adopting the adage “Inquiring Minds Want to KNOW,” wondered what would cause the brain to get off course in the first place.  My “Wise Woman” training believes that if we cover up  and placate the symptoms, instead of looking at and relating to the malady ~ we stand the chance of driving the dis-ease deeper into our bodies, only to surface again, later, and typically stronger than the first round.  By taking the time to look at it first, we can save time and can promote wholistic healing. 

Her observation had been a response to my statement that I had spent the afternoon “fighting my demons.” For the most part, my demons are the limiting beliefs that take me away from, or rob me of my joy.  They are not new.  (1) I never have enough time. (2) The balance I seek eludes me. (3) I concentrate more on what feeds my pocketbook than what feeds my soul. 

And the one thing I know for sure; ignoring them does not make them go away.  There are times when I address them, have a real conversation, and they diminish slightly allowing me to move forward in my day. But they have yet to disappear. However tempting, slicing them to ribbons with a mighty sword is not the solution.  So I remain optimistic that there is an answer that will satisfy both the "demon" and my “self.”

Besides, do I really want to be my old self?  A mood-elevating pill might be reasonable … but for now I am going to stay in the observation mode. Becoming the “detached witness” that so many of my teachers have talked about. Realizing that putting oneself under the microscope can sometimes be disturbing. Moving beyond old and into a new way of being is my ultimate goal. 

I choose to have an awareness ~ an allowing ~ of my “demon self.” After all, we we share the same space. 
And I am the one, with consistent help from my angels, in charge of how large the microscope is.
In gratitude I realize that every day I have more moments of pure joy than the day before.  And if I don’t?  I will just start again tomorrow.
Anyway, I have to put down my sword to pick up a cup of Tension Tamer tea. 

GOING CRAZY &/or PEACE OF MIND

I am both exquisitely happy and excruciatingly sad. Mad even. The difference between the two is driving me crazy. On one level I want everyone to find the joy and happiness that I desire for myself. I have a vision that includes a loving partner, a peaceful home, monetary stability, a deep love and connection with the universe and, last and maybe mostly, love of self.

My dear friend is in the throes of new lust. I want her to be happy and find the right fellow and settle down to a rich and meaningful life, filled with more joy than sorrow.  With all my heart I desire this for her.

At the same time my sanctuary has been violated. My friend and I share the same little farm house and now nothing feels as sweet to me as it did.  He has been here a month; if he paid rent would I be more accepting? When I said he could visit, I didn’t mean that he could move in. It feels like they are two against my one-ness. Her new love makes my life seem emptier than before, I feel dull and flat.  I don’t do well with dull and flat.  It isn’t where I normally reside and it is NO FUN !!!

In the beginning I made him out to be the villain. It was his fault that my life was turned into such chaos. It was so much easier to make him the “bad guy”.  My resentment was off the charts …. it lept tall buildings of the mind’s imagination and colored my life with drab colors of piss-offed-ness. My little world had been invaded and the enemy had no awareness of the depth of my despair. So I showed them. Passive aggressive behavior came back into my life, as easily as it had disappeared with the divorce decree of many years ago. However, the infinitesimal sparks of joy that came with a well thrust imaginary dagger were overwhelmed by excruciating sadness.

And I know. 

They are not the enemy. The battle is once again, always, within me. The situation is yet another way of showing me that I have more work to do. I have much at stake here. I could be on the brink of ruining a dear friendship and it is this thought that propels me to dive deep into the lesson. My house is my sanctuary. My friend is my friend. Sweet as it has been, I always knew that our sharing of this space was temporary. Communication could definitely be better between us but that probably won’t happen until I get to a more accepting place. Her new love is a gift that I wish for myself but not to the extent of their happiness. I desire to be the kind of friend that I want my friends to be to me. A prescription for valium would be appreciated right now, just to take the “sting” out of the situation. I need a stronger mantra …. mine is not sufficiently cutting through the crap of this moment. Once again I turn to my angels and ask for guidance, wisdom, peace of mind ……. Ahhhh, peace of mind. If this cannot be found within, it will never be available in the outer world.

I know.

New Year’s Eve Morn.

12-31-2011

I had a ferocious day yesterday.  I worked from 6:30 in the morning to 9:30 last night. I got out three appraisals and believe that I did a good job on all three.  But it was hard to work through the stress and tension that coursed through my body.  I fought it most of the day; it was a roller coaster ride. But i have been on this ride before and today I managed to keep my butt in the saddle again and again. 

At 6:30 in the morning I was filled with optimism.  I had a very tight plan, step by step; I was going to make all my deadlines. It was doable as long as I stayed on tract. At 9 AM I got a call from Chase Bank that my check had bounced and I was two months late on my mortgage.  I am not going into all the details now but my day crumpled. Piece by piece, minute by minute, an hour on the phone to five different people at Chase … it all fell apart.  I tried deep breathing, I apologized to the folks I was talking to when I started to lose my temper.   One issue led to another, and to another and one by one I made things right. But I was MAD!!!

I discovered that I had seriously screwed up my bank account two weeks ago by not transferring money from my savings to my checking account. I had the money in one account but didn’t transfer it.  That’s all.

Since I got my new computer this summer I have been having trouble logging into my online banking.  I almost remember that being the issue. I probably thought that I would try it the next day … and then I didn’t do it.

I realize now that i was MAD already. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say, “Hi, my name is Annette Price and I am an Equine Gestalt Coach!!”  It is a GREAT way to start the day. But for the past three months I have been working long, long hours on real estate appraisals.  I am glad to be working. I can make money as an appraiser, have done it for years; but I have another vision now ……..

I have found so little time to be with my coaching business.  I cannot let the breath die away from “On the Wings of a Horse.”  She needs sustenance and I am afraid that I have not been feeding her. I need her to know how important she is to me.  Sometimes I lay in bed in the darkness of the very early morning and I visualize her, I see her wearing a t-shirt with our new logo on it. It looks good!

This morning is New Year’s Eve Morn.  The sun is shining even though the wind is blowing hard from the west. I tucked the hay I fed the horses into tubs and hoped that they would eat it before the wind could blow it to Kansas.  I have another appraisal that I CHOOSE to work on this morning but FIRST I sat in a quiet loving space and did REIKI on a friend in need, knowing that I was receiving even as I was giving. I wrapped myself up in soft fleecy sweats that feel like wearing a cloud. I ate five chocolate covered almonds that I had received for Christmas with my oatmeal this morning, just because I could.

I have spread totems around my house, in every room, so no matter where I go this day, I will be reminded of my commitment to my sweet new business, On the Wings of a Horse. With these I will nourish her. And she is feeding me as well. We are not alone. We are surrounded by our angels. We will not let the wind blow away that which sustains us. I CHOOSE to believe that this wind is clearing off the face of all that it sweeps over.  Great and wondrous treasures are waiting to be discovered.  I celebrate JOY.  Whew!!!!!