WHITE CARPET : RED STAIN.

                    

Saturday. I woke up this morning with an image in my mind that won’t go away.  So I thought if I gave it a voice it may have more to teach me. It has to do with my personal journey through domestic violence. It was certainly not a journey that I planned for myself, but once the engine pulled out of the station, picking up speed ~ it was hard to jump off the train.

I have spent the past few months working on a piece of “unfinished business” that bubbled to the surface through a series of seemingly unrelated events. Actually it was brought to my attention by my life coach who listened to me ramble on about the random chaos of my life;  a disappointing experience with my male housemate, patchy communication with my son, and yet .. forever optimistic …. my desire for a new relationship. Yes, I believe I am finally ready.

It was she who finally named the elephant in the room. With her help I have been looking at my relationships with the men in my life ~~ from the very beginning to the present. It has been interesting and sometimes painful; sorting through what is important, what needs to be transformed, and what needs to be let go. 

This morning’s vision was a red stain on white carpet.  It was curious and when I stepped back I saw a scene unfold before me.  I was in a living room ~ and I knew it was my living room although I have never lived in a house with white carpet. Someone had spilled dark red wine. They apologized profusely and even as I quickly found things to mop up the mess I was assuring them that it was alright, that everything would be all right.  But I was lying.  I knew the carpet was ruined and would never be the same again. I had the carpet professionally cleaned and the spot looked like it really had disappeared. But by that evening, after the workmen had left, the carpet began to dry and stain popped out again. And every time the carpet was cleaned the spot faded away a little more, until it was so slight that only I knew it was there. Maybe it isn’t really there anymore! Can you see it?  Maybe I only see it because I remember where it happened.

That is what domestic violence feels like. There were many stains …. but it was such a long, long time ago.  I cleaned and cleaned that damn carpet. I even sat a coffee table over the top and could walk right by without even thinking about it.  I thought the stain had finally disappeared … but here it is again. This is what unfinished business looks like.  

Of course there are elements of forgiveness ~ for myself and others.

But what about wiping the slate clean and forgetting all about it. Is that the answer? Is it even realistic? Does time heal all wounds? For me, the answer is “Yes, but” … which quietly dissolves into “No, not really.” 

And so here is where I am today. I realize that stain happened a long time ago to a young girl who had few skills and very little protection. But today I am a very different person. My forgiveness, offered many years ago, is still sincere. What to do next? I booked an energy session with a friend to clear and remove blocked and harmful energy patterns that no longer serve me. I have studied hard, learned many things, yet often stopped to smell the roses. I know honest lovely men, most of them married to dear friends of mine, but I enjoy their company and know there are more men out there like them. Today I walk with my head up, laugh easily, and am surrounded by friends I can trust to be there for me.

I believe the white carpet is my own young innocence. The "red" stain is the anger I felt deeply and never fully acknowledged. Stains happen, so do miracles.  Talking with a qualified coach and receiving energy work allowed me to move through the process with much more understanding; deeper and quicker and with more direction. 

And I know now that I can choose to pull the cord, stop the train and step off, thusly … moving forward with grace.                                    Blessed be.                                            

Expressions – Part 8

TESTIMONIAL.

On a warm summer's day I lost a dear friend named Ann.  In April, Ann had come out to my house for a wild foods class that I was teaching.  Unbeknownst to me, Ann was suffering from Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, which eventually would claim her life.

Everyone had a great time with the plants, and our field trip, and we also spent some time with my healing herd of horses and donkeys.  My horse, Lakota, tuned in on Ann and spent many minutes licking her hand.  I had no idea what was going on, and could only hope that Ann was comfortable with Lakota’s attention.  I had to trust the process.  When Ann came out she had tears in her eyes and told me that she had received a wonderful healing from my horse and she was so thankful.  She wrote me a thank you note that brought tears to my eyes when I received it and I asked her if I could post it to my website. She agreed and it is there still.

There are no pictures of Lakota licking Ann’s hand. Everyone in class that day could tell you about it, but there are no pictures.  I had no idea of the significance of what I was witnessing.  The picture below was staged with the help of another dear friend of mine, Deb.

“What a wonderful day being with you and the circle of women!
Thank you so much for sharing Lakota with me. I will never forget her breathing and gentleness.                              I do believe she licked my hands to help heal them!! She knew I needed some help there.                                         I am so glad she let me hug her and pet her.
The sharing circle at the beginning was powerful. You are such a sensitive, loving, enthusiastic teacher. I always love field trips so visiting the variety of plants and picking and tasting them was pure fun.
Thank you for offering this special class. Any time I can learn more about wild plants and animals, I feel blessed. May you find sweet success, you deserve it.”
AT, Erie, CO

Expressions – Part 7

INNATE VIBRATION.

David Hawkins, in his book,  Power vs Force, uses applied kinesiology to measure the vibratory rate of many different things, from emotions to food supplements, and beyond.  His research incorporates the unfolding scientific model of quantum physics, which shows us that everything we can see and touch is made of moving molecules.

He describes how humans vibrate, on a good day, at around 200. Horses however, on an average day vibrate at 500.  Just by being in their presence our personal vibration is raised to a higher level. We just “feel better."

Any person who has the opportunity to be with horses can tell you that it is true. And if we need proof, we can measure the phenomenon by using Mr. Hawkins methods of muscle testing. But do you really need to measure the wide smile on a woman’s face as she experiences the healing powers of horses first hand?

 

 

 

GOING CRAZY &/or PEACE OF MIND

I am both exquisitely happy and excruciatingly sad. Mad even. The difference between the two is driving me crazy. On one level I want everyone to find the joy and happiness that I desire for myself. I have a vision that includes a loving partner, a peaceful home, monetary stability, a deep love and connection with the universe and, last and maybe mostly, love of self.

My dear friend is in the throes of new lust. I want her to be happy and find the right fellow and settle down to a rich and meaningful life, filled with more joy than sorrow.  With all my heart I desire this for her.

At the same time my sanctuary has been violated. My friend and I share the same little farm house and now nothing feels as sweet to me as it did.  He has been here a month; if he paid rent would I be more accepting? When I said he could visit, I didn’t mean that he could move in. It feels like they are two against my one-ness. Her new love makes my life seem emptier than before, I feel dull and flat.  I don’t do well with dull and flat.  It isn’t where I normally reside and it is NO FUN !!!

In the beginning I made him out to be the villain. It was his fault that my life was turned into such chaos. It was so much easier to make him the “bad guy”.  My resentment was off the charts …. it lept tall buildings of the mind’s imagination and colored my life with drab colors of piss-offed-ness. My little world had been invaded and the enemy had no awareness of the depth of my despair. So I showed them. Passive aggressive behavior came back into my life, as easily as it had disappeared with the divorce decree of many years ago. However, the infinitesimal sparks of joy that came with a well thrust imaginary dagger were overwhelmed by excruciating sadness.

And I know. 

They are not the enemy. The battle is once again, always, within me. The situation is yet another way of showing me that I have more work to do. I have much at stake here. I could be on the brink of ruining a dear friendship and it is this thought that propels me to dive deep into the lesson. My house is my sanctuary. My friend is my friend. Sweet as it has been, I always knew that our sharing of this space was temporary. Communication could definitely be better between us but that probably won’t happen until I get to a more accepting place. Her new love is a gift that I wish for myself but not to the extent of their happiness. I desire to be the kind of friend that I want my friends to be to me. A prescription for valium would be appreciated right now, just to take the “sting” out of the situation. I need a stronger mantra …. mine is not sufficiently cutting through the crap of this moment. Once again I turn to my angels and ask for guidance, wisdom, peace of mind ……. Ahhhh, peace of mind. If this cannot be found within, it will never be available in the outer world.

I know.

New Years Day – 2012

WOW!!

I have in front of me the cards that I pulled last night. I had settled into a peaceful place, touched the JOY in my life, and invited the “persona” of my new business, On the Wings of a Horse, to join me.  I sent my prayer out to the pasture and touched minds with Lakota and the long eared ones. When I felt the presence of all that is me and then that which is beyond, I asked for guidance, for assistance. I had Melisa Pearce’s Inspirational Card Deck in my hands. Shuffling them four times I thought of my vision, my dream and I opened myself up to the possibilities that i was yet to be aware of.

One card fell out, and I set it aside. It had chosen me but I had not finished my ritual. I cut the deck and there was MYSTICAL. I read it and the tears came.  “The vastness of your purpose and the energies of the universe are before you at this time.  …  Hold that everything is unfolding before you with divine inspiration, in divine time and with divine ease.”  Goddess, I love these cards!!!!  Thank you !!!

And then I read the card that chose me.  ATTENTIVENESS.  “There is a plan laid out before you.  … The path is choreographed and exact.  You are being asked to play full-out and to give your all. “ 

I have never pulled either of these cards before and their message to me was crystal clear.  I fell asleep last night with a smile on my face.  Ask and you shall receive.  So mote it be.

This morning I fed the horses with so much love in my heart that I barely touched the earth. I leaned into them gently and smelled them in deeply.  I am outrageously BLESSED and I give THANKS.

New Year’s Eve Morn.

12-31-2011

I had a ferocious day yesterday.  I worked from 6:30 in the morning to 9:30 last night. I got out three appraisals and believe that I did a good job on all three.  But it was hard to work through the stress and tension that coursed through my body.  I fought it most of the day; it was a roller coaster ride. But i have been on this ride before and today I managed to keep my butt in the saddle again and again. 

At 6:30 in the morning I was filled with optimism.  I had a very tight plan, step by step; I was going to make all my deadlines. It was doable as long as I stayed on tract. At 9 AM I got a call from Chase Bank that my check had bounced and I was two months late on my mortgage.  I am not going into all the details now but my day crumpled. Piece by piece, minute by minute, an hour on the phone to five different people at Chase … it all fell apart.  I tried deep breathing, I apologized to the folks I was talking to when I started to lose my temper.   One issue led to another, and to another and one by one I made things right. But I was MAD!!!

I discovered that I had seriously screwed up my bank account two weeks ago by not transferring money from my savings to my checking account. I had the money in one account but didn’t transfer it.  That’s all.

Since I got my new computer this summer I have been having trouble logging into my online banking.  I almost remember that being the issue. I probably thought that I would try it the next day … and then I didn’t do it.

I realize now that i was MAD already. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say, “Hi, my name is Annette Price and I am an Equine Gestalt Coach!!”  It is a GREAT way to start the day. But for the past three months I have been working long, long hours on real estate appraisals.  I am glad to be working. I can make money as an appraiser, have done it for years; but I have another vision now ……..

I have found so little time to be with my coaching business.  I cannot let the breath die away from “On the Wings of a Horse.”  She needs sustenance and I am afraid that I have not been feeding her. I need her to know how important she is to me.  Sometimes I lay in bed in the darkness of the very early morning and I visualize her, I see her wearing a t-shirt with our new logo on it. It looks good!

This morning is New Year’s Eve Morn.  The sun is shining even though the wind is blowing hard from the west. I tucked the hay I fed the horses into tubs and hoped that they would eat it before the wind could blow it to Kansas.  I have another appraisal that I CHOOSE to work on this morning but FIRST I sat in a quiet loving space and did REIKI on a friend in need, knowing that I was receiving even as I was giving. I wrapped myself up in soft fleecy sweats that feel like wearing a cloud. I ate five chocolate covered almonds that I had received for Christmas with my oatmeal this morning, just because I could.

I have spread totems around my house, in every room, so no matter where I go this day, I will be reminded of my commitment to my sweet new business, On the Wings of a Horse. With these I will nourish her. And she is feeding me as well. We are not alone. We are surrounded by our angels. We will not let the wind blow away that which sustains us. I CHOOSE to believe that this wind is clearing off the face of all that it sweeps over.  Great and wondrous treasures are waiting to be discovered.  I celebrate JOY.  Whew!!!!!    

UNRAVELLING MYSTERIES

UNRAVELLING MYSTERIES; An Anthology of Women and Aging.  

Last Monday night a small group gathered to listen to authors' reading their own pieces of work in the recently published anthology edited by Jyoti Wind. As a contributing author, I secretly had my own reservations about driving to Golden to a used book store, Read, Write & Brew. It was brutally cold, dark, and did I mention cold?  But we did. And it was good.  The readings were well received; I listened to women reading their own words and they were even more profound than when I had read them myself. And Jefferson, the store owner, donated homemade chocolate chip cookies!!!  The night was a complete success.

A friend, sister author and listener, wrote to me about the evening,

“...i ventured so much through other people's heads in that hour and a half....my heart filled up so much in that hour and a half...and, to top it all off, i learned what a MILF is..........”   *csm

This would make an excellent gift for the woman on your list who has everything. If you are interested, please go to Jyoti Wind's Facebook page for information on buying this new book.

And if this piques your interest in writing, we are having our monthly writing drop-in group at the Barbed Wire Books in Longmont, this Thursday night, Dec 8^th, 6 to 7:30 pm.

In-joy!!

ZEVON’S GIFT

Recently I was given an incredible and unexpected gift.  It was not a gift the giver was totally ready to give but the circumstance was not to be avoided.

It began with a phone call at 8:45 in the morning from a dear friend of mine, an accomplished horse woman who has spent her entire life in the company of horses.  There was an edge to her voice that hinted of urgency.  “Zevon is colicky and I can’t get a hold of my vet.  Can you call yours and see how fast he can get over here?”  “Of course,” I replied, already flipping through my day timer.  “Is Richard home this morning”, I continued, wondering if she was dealing with this by herself.  Not that she isn’t competent to deal with the situation; she’s told me dozens of colic stories and helped me out twice with my own horse.  “He’s here.  He’s out riding horses.  He’s not really helping me.”  There was that tone again.  Her housemate Richard knows as much about horses as Molly, but I thought she might need a girl friend.  I told her I would come up for a little while.

On an impulse I threw a tamale in the microwave and took it with me for the short drive to her house.  I prayed between bites as I hurried down the country roads.  I have never seen a full blown colic before and I was as curious as I was worried.

I have known Zevon for several years.  He is a handsome fellow, a tall dark bay gelding with a friendly face and a kind eye.  A few years ago he came to my house to babysit my little mare when I was between house mates and Lakota had lost her herd.  Horses are herd animals, most prefer not to be alone ~ they are too vulnerable.  As Zevon liked the ladies, he took his new assignment in stride.  He was a natural born leader and took control of every herd he was in.  He had been retired by the time I met him so I never saw him under saddle, but I knew that in their twenty-seven years together, he and Molly had covered many, many miles. 

When I pulled into the driveway, Richard, still riding, waved me over to the barn.  Zevon was lying down in his stall with Molly kneeling by his side.  She had finally connected with her vet who was now on her way.  Molly told me how every thing had appeared fine this morning but he had deteriorated quickly.  Zevon would lie still and then kick his legs and swing his head around to look at his stomach.  He would sometimes try to stand and end up sitting with his front legs straight in front of him like a trick pony, but this was not a show any of us wanted to watch. 

Richard joined our vigil and shortly after that the vet arrived; she was marvelous.  She told Molly that she was very concerned with the situation, especially as Zevon was not a young horse.  She left us with medications and a time line to follow.  At one point in the early afternoon it appeared that Zevon had turned the corner.  Richard, Molly and I commented over and over how much better he appeared to be feeling.  We walked with him, stroked his beautiful neck and Molly gave him sponge baths.  But our optimism was short lived and Zevon grew more restless as his pain intensified.

It was time for Molly to make the hardest decision an animal owner ever faces.  With tears in her eyes she looked at Richard.  Through the years I have heard them discuss this very moment.  She always told him, “I am going to have trouble making that call when it’s time.  I need you to be honest with me and tell me the truth.”  Even though the words strangled her, she squeaked out the question.  Richard studied the toe of his boot and nodded yes.  I drifted back and tried to get a grip on my trembling chin; I had no intention of making this harder for my dear friend.  The call was made, the vet was on her way back over and we each paid homage to this outstandingly gorgeous being. 

As I drove home later that day I thought what a precious gift Zevon and Molly had given me. I will never forget this day, which was to be his last, and the memory of their dignity will be with me forever. When it is our time, I pray that Lakota and I will have friends to hold us up, to ease us through the transition, to answer the question that can’t even be asked.  What a marvelous example they had presented me ~ filled with Love and Grief and Grace and Tears and Tenderness. 

Such a gift.

Reciprocity – Just an Idea.

Last Friday night I stood with my class, the Mid Pack, at our graduation ceremony!! Whew!! Almost two years of studying, practicing, and working through our own “stuff” … and we are now certified in the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !!  The range, depth and potential of this work is awesome.

But I would like to take a moment and acknowledge those who came before me.  Among many other things, the Mid Pack had the outstanding privilege of learning from the Genesis group how to accept new members into this marvelous herd. We learned from their generous example.  It may not have been easy for them to let us in, to transition into a larger herd, but I never once felt that.  Not once. They were outstandingly gracious and accepting of us.

I have been thinking about the rumblings I have heard from new students as we each face our fears and our doubts about this program.  How large is this program going to get? Will there be enough work for me?  I confess that I have had my own doubts, my own dark fears.

I am reminded of a lesson I leaned fifteen years ago in South America. I was studying with a Peruvian shaman and one day he told us a story of his idea of reciprocity. To him and his fellow shamans, if anyone came forward and said they wanted to learn the ancient sacred ways, that teacher had to take them on as a student.  Because it was their understanding that not until each and every human stepped into their highest potential, could any of us ascend to the higher realms.  No one could move forward until every got it!  This idea was new to me and the hugeness of that statement stayed with me ever since. Every time you reach out and help someone up, you are supporting a larger cause.  Plain and simple, we are all in this together.

Then there is the sentiment that my dear friend Patricia offered up one day. She said, “If everyone on the earth was a healer, we would still have tons of work to do!” I don’t even know what she meant, but I know on a cellular level that the words are true.

And so I keep reminding myself of these two little stories. I totally believe that for each one of us to reach our highest potential we need to champion the successes of one another.  By supporting each other with grace and authenticity, we will each find our place.  There are thousands of horses waiting for us to step up to the plate and there are millions of folks who need us when they are ready.

If I had any words of wisdom for those coming into the program it would be this. If you need to compete, as is in my nature, compete with yourself.  Set your goals, keep an open mind, ask questions until you “get it”  and know that you are in a loving herd whose survival depends on your strength of character. We are in this together and it is so outrageously rewarding!!  There is room for all of us. I welcome you to a marvelous adventure.  It will be what you make it to be.

And I know for me this is just the beginning.  I look forward to many more years of studying, practicing, and working through my own “stuff” as I move forward as a practitioner of the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !! 

Namaste.

TESTIMONIAL from May 1, 2011's Wild Food Workshop

Dear Annette,

What a wonderful day being with you and the circle of horse women!

Thank you so much for sharing Lakota with me. I will never forget her breathing and gentleness. I do believe she licked my hands to help heal them!!  She knew I needed some help there. I am so glad she let me hug her and pet her.

The sharing circle at the beginning was powerful. You are such a sensitive, loving, enthusiastic teacher. I always love field trips so visiting the variety of plants and picking and tasting them was pure fun. Now I just need to find some wild plants that haven’t been sprayed.

Thank you for offering this special class. Any time I can learn more about wild plants and animals, I feel blessed. May you find sweet success, you deserve it.

AT, Boulder, Colorado