WHITE CARPET : RED STAIN.

                    

Saturday. I woke up this morning with an image in my mind that won’t go away.  So I thought if I gave it a voice it may have more to teach me. It has to do with my personal journey through domestic violence. It was certainly not a journey that I planned for myself, but once the engine pulled out of the station, picking up speed ~ it was hard to jump off the train.

I have spent the past few months working on a piece of “unfinished business” that bubbled to the surface through a series of seemingly unrelated events. Actually it was brought to my attention by my life coach who listened to me ramble on about the random chaos of my life;  a disappointing experience with my male housemate, patchy communication with my son, and yet .. forever optimistic …. my desire for a new relationship. Yes, I believe I am finally ready.

It was she who finally named the elephant in the room. With her help I have been looking at my relationships with the men in my life ~~ from the very beginning to the present. It has been interesting and sometimes painful; sorting through what is important, what needs to be transformed, and what needs to be let go. 

This morning’s vision was a red stain on white carpet.  It was curious and when I stepped back I saw a scene unfold before me.  I was in a living room ~ and I knew it was my living room although I have never lived in a house with white carpet. Someone had spilled dark red wine. They apologized profusely and even as I quickly found things to mop up the mess I was assuring them that it was alright, that everything would be all right.  But I was lying.  I knew the carpet was ruined and would never be the same again. I had the carpet professionally cleaned and the spot looked like it really had disappeared. But by that evening, after the workmen had left, the carpet began to dry and stain popped out again. And every time the carpet was cleaned the spot faded away a little more, until it was so slight that only I knew it was there. Maybe it isn’t really there anymore! Can you see it?  Maybe I only see it because I remember where it happened.

That is what domestic violence feels like. There were many stains …. but it was such a long, long time ago.  I cleaned and cleaned that damn carpet. I even sat a coffee table over the top and could walk right by without even thinking about it.  I thought the stain had finally disappeared … but here it is again. This is what unfinished business looks like.  

Of course there are elements of forgiveness ~ for myself and others.

But what about wiping the slate clean and forgetting all about it. Is that the answer? Is it even realistic? Does time heal all wounds? For me, the answer is “Yes, but” … which quietly dissolves into “No, not really.” 

And so here is where I am today. I realize that stain happened a long time ago to a young girl who had few skills and very little protection. But today I am a very different person. My forgiveness, offered many years ago, is still sincere. What to do next? I booked an energy session with a friend to clear and remove blocked and harmful energy patterns that no longer serve me. I have studied hard, learned many things, yet often stopped to smell the roses. I know honest lovely men, most of them married to dear friends of mine, but I enjoy their company and know there are more men out there like them. Today I walk with my head up, laugh easily, and am surrounded by friends I can trust to be there for me.

I believe the white carpet is my own young innocence. The "red" stain is the anger I felt deeply and never fully acknowledged. Stains happen, so do miracles.  Talking with a qualified coach and receiving energy work allowed me to move through the process with much more understanding; deeper and quicker and with more direction. 

And I know now that I can choose to pull the cord, stop the train and step off, thusly … moving forward with grace.                                    Blessed be.                                            

PAISLEY

The paisley scarf is wrapped tight around her head; a beautiful mix of blues and purples, but it is the shape that fascinates me. It makes the back of her head look like a giant light bulb. I am still looking for a fleecy little cap with horses on it; that is exactly what she told me she wants and I intend to find one. Light weight and warm to protect her newly balding head.

Cancer leaves people looking like alien beings, recently arrived from some place out of this world. Well, it is not the cancer; I know that. It is the chemotherapy poison that they inject into her body every two weeks.

With one sentence her entire life changed, and through friendship, so did mine.  Cancer has made her wonder who she will be next week. Where will she be next year? It is my (our) job to remind her that she will still be the woman we love. We will gather and celebrate next year with renewed verve. She is scared that she has no choices. It is my job to remind her that every moment is a choice. She can keep those things which are dear to her ~ and examine and discard those that no longer serve her. The choice is always hers. And choices can be transmuted, rejected, or revised any time she chooses.

Fighting, Dancing, Having cancer has become a full time occupation.  Everything looks and feels different to her and to me. Getting ready, receiving instead of giving, planning a new way of eating, a new wardrobe to wear, a new time of day to visit the grocer when the crowds are gone, arranging drivers to and from appointments ... it feels endless.

Every “thing” is simultaneously precious and unimportant.  It is alien.

A new view of every day life ... a new …. anew  … Anew !!

A THOUSAND YEAR FLOOD.

It has now been 50 days since the rains began that changed the front range landscape of Boulder, Larimer, Jefferson and Weld counties of Colorado.  We survived the “flood of Biblical proportions.”  I have written about it many times, but produced nothing worthy of sharing but serving as a cathartic stress release.  For weeks I suffered from a low level anxiety; trouble sleeping, shortness of breath, and my stomach didn’t feel right.  In fact, I feel like I ate my way through the flood, snacking all day long as I huddled close to my radio listening to what was happening to my physical realm.

At one point I talked with my sister and she could totally relate to how I was feeling. Three years ago she was caught at home ~ alone with one dog, two cats, two horses, and a dozen chickens ~ during an ice storm that left her without electricity for 10 days.  She moved into survival mode, doing what she had to do to take care of everyone, securing water was difficult. She ended up getting sick from attempting to heat a portion of her home with a propane space heater. But everyone on her ten acres lived. The story had a satisfactory ending. For the rest of the winter she, and many of her friends in southern Missouri, had a panic attack every time a storm set up which could bring a layer of ice to their world.

We survive. Katrina, Sandy, massive tornadoes, rampaging forest fires, shifting, sliding, unable to stay the same ...

Slowly it passes.

Below is an excerpt from my friend, my astrologer, and my writing buddy, Jyoti Wind’s astrological newsletter. Her words moved me; she said it better than all of my ramblings and I asked her permission to share it with you here. 

Dear friends, The human and emotional toll of a natural disaster is deep and encompassing.It scars the landscape of one’s thinking so that one returns again and again to that abrasion.  A collective atmosphere of shock and stress grows into a thought form, an energetic, that permeates the area more than the mud and water, and takes a while to recede.  Relief aid, a listening ear, an offer to help are the balm that wipes clear the window onto the future. Possibilities then become visible.

We are in the process of shifting. It doesn’t have a clear demarcation line of when it started, but in the last one and a half years it has felt like there was an escalation. We have another one and a half years to go. And again, there won’t be a stopping line, and end. It may begin to feel that there is more of a flow instead of a push.

Meanwhile the push to change old patterns continues.  Looking at how you have changed over the past one and a half years might be an interesting undertaking. Blessings,Jyoti

For more information and to contact Jyoti Wind:
http://www.writes-of-passage.blogspot.com
http://www.aweeksworthofwomen.blogspot.com
www.jyotiwindastrology.com

Expressions – Part 10 of 10

The Beasts Know It

If you know that all is well, you know all you need to know.
And if you know life is supposed to be fun,
you know more than almost anybody else knows.
And if you know that the way you feel is your indicator
of how connected you are to Source,
then you know that which only a handful of Deliberate Creators,
respective to the total population, really know.
The beasts all know it.
Your animals know that all is well.
Your animals live in the moment.
They understand the power of their now.
They expect the Universe to yield to them.
They don't worry or fret or conjure or make laws or rules or try to regulate.
They are Pure Positive Energy.
Your beasts vibrate more on the Energy scale of contentment than of passion.
Their desire was set forth from Nonphysical, and continues to be set forth by those,
like you, who want Energy balance, who want sustenance.
The difference between the beast and the human
is that the beast is more general in its intent.
The human is usually less blended, usually less allowing of the Energy to flow,
but is more specific.
And that is why the human is seen to be the Creator
while the beast is more the balancer of Energy.

                                                                                                       
 – Abraham,  Abraham-Hicks Publications,  dailyquote@abraham-hicks.com 

Dear Reader, thank you for allowing me to share my ever growing vision of how horses can heal us.  I am constantly in awe and grateful for being so blessed to have them in my life.                              And with grace, the journey continues.

    

BB Harding and I are offering a one day retreat at Dragonfly Farm in Platteville, Colorado. 

We have a fun filled day of playful exploration.

Come on out and join us!

New Years Day – 2012

WOW!!

I have in front of me the cards that I pulled last night. I had settled into a peaceful place, touched the JOY in my life, and invited the “persona” of my new business, On the Wings of a Horse, to join me.  I sent my prayer out to the pasture and touched minds with Lakota and the long eared ones. When I felt the presence of all that is me and then that which is beyond, I asked for guidance, for assistance. I had Melisa Pearce’s Inspirational Card Deck in my hands. Shuffling them four times I thought of my vision, my dream and I opened myself up to the possibilities that i was yet to be aware of.

One card fell out, and I set it aside. It had chosen me but I had not finished my ritual. I cut the deck and there was MYSTICAL. I read it and the tears came.  “The vastness of your purpose and the energies of the universe are before you at this time.  …  Hold that everything is unfolding before you with divine inspiration, in divine time and with divine ease.”  Goddess, I love these cards!!!!  Thank you !!!

And then I read the card that chose me.  ATTENTIVENESS.  “There is a plan laid out before you.  … The path is choreographed and exact.  You are being asked to play full-out and to give your all. “ 

I have never pulled either of these cards before and their message to me was crystal clear.  I fell asleep last night with a smile on my face.  Ask and you shall receive.  So mote it be.

This morning I fed the horses with so much love in my heart that I barely touched the earth. I leaned into them gently and smelled them in deeply.  I am outrageously BLESSED and I give THANKS.

The Day After MAD-ness.

Since I wrote you of the MAD-ness of Friday, I feel compelled to write of yesterday, Saturday, the last day of 2011. I followed my heart all day:  writing, dusting my house, playing with plants – cleaning and pruning, made phone calls to friends and family, played my flute and drummed new life back into my re-born drum, and thusly back into me. I chose NOT to do any real estate work.  Walking from room to room, I paid homage to the totems purposefully arranged in the middle of the floor, an altar of sorts.

I almost went in and removed yesterday mornings blog. I logged in and sat poised to erase it, and in the end I did edit out a few sentences that I could no longer resonate with.  Shit happens. Sometimes I get pitched into the muck. It is not pretty. It is not comfortable. It is what happens next that is important.

I decided not to go out, but instead to stay in and enjoy the newly shiny surfaces of my home. After the sun went down I made a scrumptious tray of good, fun, and pretty foods and snuggled under my fuzzy blanket to watch movies rented from the library. I poured a glass of handmade Cherry Cordial, a Christmas gift that tasted as delicious as it sounds!  I heard the fireworks and looked up, surprised to note that I had witnessed the first moments of a new year.  I had to move my cat, Magic, who was stretched full out on my tummy, to check on the horses who are not all fond of fireworks and then I settled down for a quiet ritual. Friday I let loose volley after volley of four letter words ~ but now I reflected for a moment on two   “three- letter” words:  JOY versus MAD.   

Friday I allowed myself to plunge into despair and anger in a big way. I will not forget what that felt like. I will hold it to contrast all the good days against.  I know on many levels that the choice is always mine, whether to live in MAD (fear) or in JOY (Love).  I KNOW that. But some days are easy and some days just test the very mettle of all I am striving to be.  Thusly i can practice the JOY of Forgiveness.  The act of forgiving my SELF. That is what I will remember.  JOY shall win out.

Barbed Wire Writers

Well, we have the first writing adventure under our belt and a good time was had by all.  Were some of the writers slightly challenged?  Yes, I think I heard a couple of big gulps ….. but did they all rise to the occasion? Absolutely!!  If you are remotely interested, give me buzz and we will get you the information about this NEW writing group. 

We have the room at Barbed Wire Bookstore reserved for the second Thursday of every month and would love to have you join us.  An RSVP would be appreciated so I can have the room set up and now we know, you can bring in your own coffee!!!

Here is what one of the participants had to say the next day. 

 “I wanted to give a shout out to Annette for offering and leading an awesome drop-in Writers Meet-Up at The Barbed Wire Book Store in Longmont last night! I had a great time and discovered that I am a pretty good writer outside my journal entries!!! We really had a great time and I can't wait for the next one! If anyone is interested in being more creative in your writing or to clear the cobwebs please come to the next one! They will be held on the 2nd Tuesday of each month from 6-7:30.  Don't forget that this is a great way to network!”

Next writing adventure:  November 10^th 2012,  6pm to 7:30 pm, Longmont, Colorado!

In-joy and have a great October.

Taking In.

 

It feels like I have been in a receiving mode …. a place of “taking in” …  but I understand … it is also an inability to “put out”.  I am content to read, so many good books, and have read morning, noon and night.  Taking in the words, other people’s lives, even the made-up ones, tranquilized by their life situations. I listen to inspirational CD’s on those nights when I cannot sleep or those dark mornings when I desire a few more hours of respite ... and then wake up later with headphones pressed into my cheek.  I have sat with rented movies and dissolved into their premise letting them flavor my own life.   I have accomplished the “have to’s” and even a few of the “should’s”, but even as I think about writing some little incident, I cannot muster the strength. 

And amazingly enough, I have allowed myself to indulge in this place for weeks with very little recrimination.

But I am growing now uncomfortable.  I have flyers to create, I have workshops to fill, I have new people to meet and the ideas that have been percolating are ready for more.  And I have so many ideas!! It is time … to gather up all the little pieces of paper that have accumulated on my table tops … to review my moments of inspiration penned so quickly.   

I am heading home for my mother’s birthday and these ideas need to be birthed so that I will fit better, comfortably, in the seat of my transport.

It was not a cocoon and I don’t feel like a butterfly. I lay in bed this morning as the warm glow promises a pretty day and drank a cup of lovely coffee. I read my story and the many other stories printed in a new book, Red Silk, a Red Tent Anthology. I am thrilled to hold it in my hand, to see the printed words, some of them are mine!  I am inspired.  I am ready. And I do have so many ideas!!

Reciprocity – Just an Idea.

Last Friday night I stood with my class, the Mid Pack, at our graduation ceremony!! Whew!! Almost two years of studying, practicing, and working through our own “stuff” … and we are now certified in the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !!  The range, depth and potential of this work is awesome.

But I would like to take a moment and acknowledge those who came before me.  Among many other things, the Mid Pack had the outstanding privilege of learning from the Genesis group how to accept new members into this marvelous herd. We learned from their generous example.  It may not have been easy for them to let us in, to transition into a larger herd, but I never once felt that.  Not once. They were outstandingly gracious and accepting of us.

I have been thinking about the rumblings I have heard from new students as we each face our fears and our doubts about this program.  How large is this program going to get? Will there be enough work for me?  I confess that I have had my own doubts, my own dark fears.

I am reminded of a lesson I leaned fifteen years ago in South America. I was studying with a Peruvian shaman and one day he told us a story of his idea of reciprocity. To him and his fellow shamans, if anyone came forward and said they wanted to learn the ancient sacred ways, that teacher had to take them on as a student.  Because it was their understanding that not until each and every human stepped into their highest potential, could any of us ascend to the higher realms.  No one could move forward until every got it!  This idea was new to me and the hugeness of that statement stayed with me ever since. Every time you reach out and help someone up, you are supporting a larger cause.  Plain and simple, we are all in this together.

Then there is the sentiment that my dear friend Patricia offered up one day. She said, “If everyone on the earth was a healer, we would still have tons of work to do!” I don’t even know what she meant, but I know on a cellular level that the words are true.

And so I keep reminding myself of these two little stories. I totally believe that for each one of us to reach our highest potential we need to champion the successes of one another.  By supporting each other with grace and authenticity, we will each find our place.  There are thousands of horses waiting for us to step up to the plate and there are millions of folks who need us when they are ready.

If I had any words of wisdom for those coming into the program it would be this. If you need to compete, as is in my nature, compete with yourself.  Set your goals, keep an open mind, ask questions until you “get it”  and know that you are in a loving herd whose survival depends on your strength of character. We are in this together and it is so outrageously rewarding!!  There is room for all of us. I welcome you to a marvelous adventure.  It will be what you make it to be.

And I know for me this is just the beginning.  I look forward to many more years of studying, practicing, and working through my own “stuff” as I move forward as a practitioner of the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method !! 

Namaste.

The Beginning

I remember standing in front of my kitchen window staring out on the cold January morning. I could see my reflection in the window;  looking out ~ yet looking in.  It was a bright beginning to a new year. My mind was racing with thoughts of the Melisa Pearce’s Touched By A Horse Certification Program.TM   What if this program was the answer to the riddle that had presented itself over and over to me for the past five years. Reading after reading after reading, I had been told that I could work with horses if I wanted to. Wanted To? It is what i wanted to do most in the world! But I could not see what it looked like. I could not visualize it and the women giving me the reading could not answer that for me. They all said, “I don’t know what it means. This is just the information I am receiving.”  

One of my ego’s strongest arguments was the cost. It was pricey and I was having trouble paying my mortgage. That was the most evident problem on this physical plane.  I am not a horse trainer even though my dear sweet horse, Lakota, and I have spent hours and hours in various clinics studying Natural Horsemanship and how to be better partners to one another.  On the other hand, I did truly want to work with people. The last 15 years of running my own appraisal shop has become more and more unsatisfying, financially, mentally, and spiritually. I am ready for a change. But my “Doubting Thomas’ voice is loud in my inner debate. “What if we sign up and spend all this money and then we can’t make a living at it? What if we find out we’re not good enough? What if this is not the answer? What if? What if? What if?”

But a part of me knew. This is an answer. Here is a teacher right in my own back yard. “What if she moved up here from Arizona to be my teacher? What about that…huh?” I asked my Doubting Thomas self. “What if this IS the answer and I’m too scared to go for it?”

The part of me that “knows” smiled at the reflection in the frosty window and whispered, “It will be what you make it to be.  It is up to you, dear one.”  I walked to the phone and left a message with Melisa’s office. That was January 1, 2010.

Today, June 10, 2011, I will graduate with four of my fellow classmates. I would be lying if I said the journey has not been extremely challenging at times. But with help I have walked through my fears; I have acknowledged and moved beyond the nagging doubts ~ and there have been many along the way.  But in every cell of my body I KNOW that this was the answer. I am proud of myself for staying in the program, looking the “what-ifs” square in the face and finding the funds, finding the courage, and finding the stamina to move forward.  With Lakota’s help, and with the horses I sense will be joining us ~ we will make it glorious!!

Once again ~ we are at the beginning!