Full Moon. June 3, 2012

I sit in gratitude in the stillness of my back yard,

turning to glimpse the full moon cloaked by the heavy atmosphere

through the trimmed branches of  the enormous elm tree that my son has been

trimming and shaping for months;  cutting away all the dead and useless branches.

The tree remains over forty feet tall, one of the largest in our neighborhood.

The healthy limbs have now leafed out and look vibrant and happy.

On this full moon I wish the same for myself.

To trim away all the useless thoughts and limiting beliefs that make me dull and heavy.

Release and let go. 

I sit and watch the moon weave through this ancient tree.

I give thanks.

BENDING NEEDLES.

I didn’t notice my mouth was dry until I tried to swallow.  “I need to drink a glass of water as soon I get this done,” I thought to myself as I opened the large blue tote and rummaged through it quickly.  I found a huge 20 mm syringe and I was looking for the green color-coded needle.  I looked over several glass bottles with rubber topped closures and found the one named Flunazine.  I set my phone to the speaker setting so that Nikki could walk me though the set-up. We had gone through the whole routine last fall, but in the months that followed the knowledge had left my noggin.

I set everything gently on the table in front of me and examined each component as she told me again how they were going to fit together.  We had decided that I was going to give the medicine orally because if given IM (intramuscularly) it could, on a rare occasion, cause a deep infection.  Nikki wasn’t going to be home for three or four more days and I was not at all prepared to handle that scenario. 

“Do you feel at all comfortable trying to hit a vein? “ she asked me.

“Absolutely not” I chortled, “I would rather try and give her an enema. “  Might as well bring a bit of humor to the situation.

 “If you want to call Dr. Tim I am fine with that” she said again.

“No, No, I think that I can do this. I am right here, she needs it quickly. I want to give it a try.” I hoped I sounded more confident than I felt.

My patient was Ruthie, an 1800 pound white mule. She is to Nikki what Lakota is to me. I had to get this right.  “Listen, I am going to go now and put this all together. I’ll call you back when I ‘m done.”  All of the shots I had ever given before were pre-made, all you had to do was point and shoot so to speak.

I fit the needle onto the syringe and then inserted it into the rubber gasket on top of the bottle. Holding the bottle upside down with one hand I tried to pull out the plunger.  Geez, why does this have to be so difficult? I felt really clumsy and it was taking a lot more strength than I thought was necessary. But I kept at it gently so I wouldn’t make a mess of anything.  Humm, is the top of the plunger  10mm, or is it marked by the bottom of the grey piece. I decided more was better than less, we are talking about a big girl out there and she might spit some out. 

Okay, that was almost fun; now I have to take the needle out so that I can shoot this into her mouth. The needle looked scary - it was huge, built for a rhinoceros or something.  Does it pull out or twist out? I tried it with my fingers and nothing moved. I took it upstairs and pulled out two pair of pliers. I had a sterile needle here which I really wasn’t going to use but still I wrapped it in a paper towel before I grabbed it with the pliers. Nothing moved. Well, actually it did, the needle was now bent at approximately a 65 degree angle, which I promptly capped and discarded.

Humm, I surveyed the whole set-up again and decided that even if the needle had came out of the hard plastic it was embedded in, the aperture would be too small to squirt the liquid in as fast as I was planning to.

As I walked out to the pasture I prayed to Ruthie’s angels as well as mine. “Please be with us and let this go smoothly.”  I took a deep breath as Ruthie came into view.  She was still laying down which is what caught my eye in the first place. I didn’t want to spook her so I did not walk straight at her, but aimed for a few feet behind her tail. It would be much easier for me if I could give her the medicine while she lying down – did I mention that she was a big girl? Oh yeah.

She raised her head and looked at me, and thought for a second about standing up, but then she didn’t.   I reached out and rubbed her neck and told her I was going to give her some medicine as gently as I could. I kneeled beside her giant neck and moved slowly and deliberately, careful not to tip the syringe because I didn’t want her to get a taste of what was coming before I was ready. Her lips were clinched but I worked the tube in as far as I thought necessary and then I hit that plunger hard, probably faster than I needed to - but got the job done.  I stroked her neck and thanked her for being still.  She pulled back her front lip and curled her head in the air. 

“Hey,” I told her, “I had to take red root tincture myself yesterday, three times, and that stuff tastes wicked too. You can handle this.” 

I stood up and moved away from her. I suddenly realized I had forgotten to put on the halter that I carried out. Oh well, we hadn’t needed it after all. I reached for my phone to call Nikki and let her know that it had gone well. Whew. We discussed what I should do for the next twenty minutes and I could hear her relief.  We had both been worried that Ruthie would put up a fuss and it could have gone badly, but it didn’t. I suddenly realized that I still needed water. I walked back to the house feeling a lot better than when I walked out to the pasture.  Everything is going to be fine, I just know it!

GOING CRAZY &/or PEACE OF MIND

I am both exquisitely happy and excruciatingly sad. Mad even. The difference between the two is driving me crazy. On one level I want everyone to find the joy and happiness that I desire for myself. I have a vision that includes a loving partner, a peaceful home, monetary stability, a deep love and connection with the universe and, last and maybe mostly, love of self.

My dear friend is in the throes of new lust. I want her to be happy and find the right fellow and settle down to a rich and meaningful life, filled with more joy than sorrow.  With all my heart I desire this for her.

At the same time my sanctuary has been violated. My friend and I share the same little farm house and now nothing feels as sweet to me as it did.  He has been here a month; if he paid rent would I be more accepting? When I said he could visit, I didn’t mean that he could move in. It feels like they are two against my one-ness. Her new love makes my life seem emptier than before, I feel dull and flat.  I don’t do well with dull and flat.  It isn’t where I normally reside and it is NO FUN !!!

In the beginning I made him out to be the villain. It was his fault that my life was turned into such chaos. It was so much easier to make him the “bad guy”.  My resentment was off the charts …. it lept tall buildings of the mind’s imagination and colored my life with drab colors of piss-offed-ness. My little world had been invaded and the enemy had no awareness of the depth of my despair. So I showed them. Passive aggressive behavior came back into my life, as easily as it had disappeared with the divorce decree of many years ago. However, the infinitesimal sparks of joy that came with a well thrust imaginary dagger were overwhelmed by excruciating sadness.

And I know. 

They are not the enemy. The battle is once again, always, within me. The situation is yet another way of showing me that I have more work to do. I have much at stake here. I could be on the brink of ruining a dear friendship and it is this thought that propels me to dive deep into the lesson. My house is my sanctuary. My friend is my friend. Sweet as it has been, I always knew that our sharing of this space was temporary. Communication could definitely be better between us but that probably won’t happen until I get to a more accepting place. Her new love is a gift that I wish for myself but not to the extent of their happiness. I desire to be the kind of friend that I want my friends to be to me. A prescription for valium would be appreciated right now, just to take the “sting” out of the situation. I need a stronger mantra …. mine is not sufficiently cutting through the crap of this moment. Once again I turn to my angels and ask for guidance, wisdom, peace of mind ……. Ahhhh, peace of mind. If this cannot be found within, it will never be available in the outer world.

I know.

TROUBLE?

 I woke up way too early this morning.  I plugged myself into a CD to try and get back to sleep but that really didn’t work very well.  I had a serious case of “monkey-mind” that refused to be stilled.  As I lay there I had the thought that I could pour a bath and soak in the healing water as I listened to my CD. And so I did.

In the bath I questioned the partially bruised big toe of my right foot.  It isn’t bad enough to lose the toenail, but I have no idea what happened to it … seems weird.  I broke that toe five or six years ago. I was winter riding with some friends and I stepped my dear horse off the path onto what appeared to be dirt, but was really an icy patch that the wind had blown dirt over. Lakota slipped and in what felt like slow-motion - fell to her side. My friends told me it actually looked very graceful.  But I did not get my leg out of the stirrup in time and she landed on my leg. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal until my toe started throbbing and then I knew we had done some damage.  It was interesting how that fall has come back to me so many times; stepped off the path, time slowed down, falling and falling, things not what they looked like, the right side of my body gets hurt again … ????

The bubble bath was a great way to start the day. Laying there barely aware of the window getting brighter with the coming dawn.  Soaking in the warmth, the water, the bubbles and listening to the gentle voice of one of my teachers on the CD, letting her drown out my mind. 

For you, dear reader, do not know the problem that woke me up at 4:28 am with such fierceness.  Is there a fall in front of me? Will time slow down for me?  Will I have the ability to get my foot out of the stirrup in time to stave off hurtful consequences?  At least I will bring more awareness to this situation and I pray for the grace and beauty and wisdom to stand on the edge of the precipice and be guided through it without any one getting bruised or battered. That is my prayer for this day.

Wow, I have a new business card.
I have had a wonderful time working with Rachel and this is what she has created for me. She looked over my website, took a picture of my sweet Lakota, and, well .... i don't know how she creates her magic.  Check her out:

Rachel Uriegas

DesignPro, LLC

(970) 232-8485

rachel@designproco.com

New Years Day – 2012

WOW!!

I have in front of me the cards that I pulled last night. I had settled into a peaceful place, touched the JOY in my life, and invited the “persona” of my new business, On the Wings of a Horse, to join me.  I sent my prayer out to the pasture and touched minds with Lakota and the long eared ones. When I felt the presence of all that is me and then that which is beyond, I asked for guidance, for assistance. I had Melisa Pearce’s Inspirational Card Deck in my hands. Shuffling them four times I thought of my vision, my dream and I opened myself up to the possibilities that i was yet to be aware of.

One card fell out, and I set it aside. It had chosen me but I had not finished my ritual. I cut the deck and there was MYSTICAL. I read it and the tears came.  “The vastness of your purpose and the energies of the universe are before you at this time.  …  Hold that everything is unfolding before you with divine inspiration, in divine time and with divine ease.”  Goddess, I love these cards!!!!  Thank you !!!

And then I read the card that chose me.  ATTENTIVENESS.  “There is a plan laid out before you.  … The path is choreographed and exact.  You are being asked to play full-out and to give your all. “ 

I have never pulled either of these cards before and their message to me was crystal clear.  I fell asleep last night with a smile on my face.  Ask and you shall receive.  So mote it be.

This morning I fed the horses with so much love in my heart that I barely touched the earth. I leaned into them gently and smelled them in deeply.  I am outrageously BLESSED and I give THANKS.

The Day After MAD-ness.

Since I wrote you of the MAD-ness of Friday, I feel compelled to write of yesterday, Saturday, the last day of 2011. I followed my heart all day:  writing, dusting my house, playing with plants – cleaning and pruning, made phone calls to friends and family, played my flute and drummed new life back into my re-born drum, and thusly back into me. I chose NOT to do any real estate work.  Walking from room to room, I paid homage to the totems purposefully arranged in the middle of the floor, an altar of sorts.

I almost went in and removed yesterday mornings blog. I logged in and sat poised to erase it, and in the end I did edit out a few sentences that I could no longer resonate with.  Shit happens. Sometimes I get pitched into the muck. It is not pretty. It is not comfortable. It is what happens next that is important.

I decided not to go out, but instead to stay in and enjoy the newly shiny surfaces of my home. After the sun went down I made a scrumptious tray of good, fun, and pretty foods and snuggled under my fuzzy blanket to watch movies rented from the library. I poured a glass of handmade Cherry Cordial, a Christmas gift that tasted as delicious as it sounds!  I heard the fireworks and looked up, surprised to note that I had witnessed the first moments of a new year.  I had to move my cat, Magic, who was stretched full out on my tummy, to check on the horses who are not all fond of fireworks and then I settled down for a quiet ritual. Friday I let loose volley after volley of four letter words ~ but now I reflected for a moment on two   “three- letter” words:  JOY versus MAD.   

Friday I allowed myself to plunge into despair and anger in a big way. I will not forget what that felt like. I will hold it to contrast all the good days against.  I know on many levels that the choice is always mine, whether to live in MAD (fear) or in JOY (Love).  I KNOW that. But some days are easy and some days just test the very mettle of all I am striving to be.  Thusly i can practice the JOY of Forgiveness.  The act of forgiving my SELF. That is what I will remember.  JOY shall win out.